Why parents are so exhausted. And its not because of lack of sleep.

Parenting is EXHAUSTING. The kind of exhausting that wears you down to your bones. Its a constant, mind numbing exhaustion that sleep cannot cure.

I remember when I was pregnant and parents would look at me with that LOOK. Anyone that is or has been pregnant knows that look. It's the one that is vaguely condescending and all-knowing. They would look and me and smirk, "Enjoy your sleep while you can." And I thought, what a dumb thing to say. I understand I am not going to get sleep for a while, duh...I'm having a baby. What they should have said is, "Enjoy feeling like a whole human, rested and peaceful as you will never feel like this again." That would have made a lot more sense.

We have been very fortunate that Chloe started sleeping through at 5 and a half months. A solid 11.5 hours a day she is asleep. I could not be more grateful. Granted we barely slept for the first 3 months and the next 2 months were not much better. So I know what it is to not sleep. (My husband is still scarred from the experience of seeing what that does to me.) But I wasn't quite prepared for the mental and emotional exhaustion that comes hand in hand with being a parent. And this I fear is never ending.

What, you ask, is so tiring about being a parent? Here is a tiny slice of my internal dialogue and activities needed as I prepare to leave the house.

~ Right let's go.
~ Where's the sunblock? Search through the baby bag, my bag, the bedroom. Locate the sunblock under the couch. Smear sunblock on squirming baby that believes sunblock is edible body butter. Don't eat that. Don't eat that. Seriously Chloe Bear, DO NOT EAT THAT.
~ Right, now where is that darn hat? I really need to get another hat. I hate looking for the ONE hat that fits her head. Search through the baby bag, search through my bag, search her room. Find the hat in the toy box in the lounge. Okay Bear let's put the hat on. Yes, I know you hate the hat but don't pull it off. Don't pull it off. Seriously Bear just keep the hat ON.
~ Nappies. Check. Wet wipes check.
~ Wait, let me take a blanket for shade in case the sun is too hot.
~ I better take a jersey in case it gets cold.
~ Let me take extra clothes in case she takes her sippy cup and shakes it all over the place because she loves the feeling of water falling on to her skin. 
~ Better pack a snack and lunch in case we are longer than expected. Open the freezer, try to crack out a few blocks of frozen home made food, that has been peeled, chopped, steamed and mashed. Cant get the blocks out. Take a knife and stab at the blocks. Throw the tray on the counter as hard as I can. Blocks fall on the floor. Sigh. Wash the blocks (whats a bit of dust?) Find a tupperware.
Where is the lid for this dam thing? Seriously, I hate tupperware - why are you always short a lid? Find a new tupperware, one that has a lid. 
~ Spoon, bib. Check.
~ Okay right, we are ready.
~ Wait, where is my phone? Search my bag, the baby bag, my room. Find the phone in the couch cushion.
~ Right, ready.
~ Grab the car seat. Put the baby in. One, two...three! Baby in. One arm in, Chloe give me your arm, give....good girl.
~ Okay, my bag, baby bag. Car seat with baby in. Ready.
~ Oh wait, sippy cup. Grab the cup, put fresh water in it. Where is the lid? Oh god dammit! Find the lid in the sink. Put the cup in the bag.
~ Okay, seriously now we are late. Let's go.
~ Put the car seat in the car. Keys in the ignition. Oh wait, I better get a snack for the car otherwise she is going to scream the whole way. Back in the house, grab a snack. Lock. Back in the car. 
~ Okay Bear, ADVENTURE TIME! 
~ Please don't scream at mommy. It's just a short ride. 
~ Here, have a fling.

And that is just to leave the house.

So the next time you ask us if we want to pop round for lunch and we arrive looking haggard and a little harassed and you just cant understand why we looking so tired since you know very well that Chloe is sleeping through... now you know.

Being a parent is exhausting. It is constant. Every waking moment you are thinking of your child, what they need, what they might need, and how everything will impact them.

But as exhausting as it is, it is the most joyful thing I have ever experienced. You have spent the day carrying, packing, fishing stones out of mouths, fishing leaves out of mouths, cleaning bums, cleaning floors, cleaning mouths, cleaning hands, picking up, putting down, singing, shushing, walking, bouncing and you finally put the little one to bed, make dinner, eat dinner, say hi to your husband, sit on the couch and you sigh a sigh of relief that the day is over. All you want to do is lie in bed and read your book. You are two pages in when you hear that fateful sound of a baby waking up and you know that the past 40 minutes was merely a power nap and she will be up for the next 4 hours. You sigh, you get up and get dressed. Put the lights back on. You walk into that room with a heavy heart but then she looks up at you and beams that huge wonderful all encompassing smile and it all washes away. Those tiny arms go up as she implores you to pick her up and cuddle her. She nuzzles her face to yours, holds you close and gives you a good old lick which is her equivalent of a kiss. She pulls back, looks you in the eye and smiles and you know you will do anything for her.

Becoming a parent is the most wonderful awful thing I have ever done. It fills me up in a way I never imagined. It has made my life so much bigger, made my heart so much bigger. And of course has made me more tired than I ever imagined.

The smile that lights up my life

I cant hack it.

Yip, I said it. I can’t hack it in this crazy advertising world no more. 

Becoming a mommy has changed me. It has taught me the joy of the quiet moments, it has taught me to seek out the peace, to make space for doing nothing but laying cheek to cheek with the people I love. It has taught me to put aside my ego to make space for my heart to grow bigger and fuller.

So…I QUIT… Yip. I handed in a hastily written resignation letter last week after 4 weeks in the position.

Why did I quit? I got told that “while we respect families and the fact that you have a baby we also need you to put in the hours and work late every night because that’s just how we do it.” I’m not sure what part of that “respects families”. After that it was easy. It took me a few hours to type up a resignation letter and put an end to a job I hate.

I think my husband did a little happy dance the day I resigned. While it puts pressure on us financially (one salary aint going to cut it), I don’t think he could handle another week of having me miserable, sick, irritated, and generally awful to be around.

Before I was driven by the chaos, the deadlines, job bags, creativity, boardroom meetings, selling ideas, brainstorming. Now when I am faced with deadlines, chaos, pressure and stress I recoil. It affects me physically and emotionally. It does far more harm than that paycheck can ever undo.

So I am back at square one. What to do with my life? I have spent 5 years in advertising, moving up the proverbial ladder just to find out I’d rather jump off the ladder than continue to dedicate life and limb for the guys at the top. I would love to apply my skills in a way that allows me to eat lunch in peace, go to the toilet without having to take my phone with me in case there is an “emergency”. So I am on the lookout for that. I would love to work for myself and consult managing my own hours and deadlines.

You cant tell me that it isn’t possible, right?

Wish me luck people. I need to change the world to suit me – it’s never an easy task but certainly is a worthwhile one.

Navigating Being Back at Work

I’ve got my headphones in, head bopping up and down … carving out a zen spot in the middle of a world that I no longer connect to...

I have discovered that I no longer feed off the chaos, the stress of working in a fast paced advertising world. I no longer have the need to prove my worth, to succeed in this jungle of brand success where the air permeates with the stench of self-importance. It all seems ridiculous to me now. I sit here watching people tie their self-worth to another person’s company, watching them link their self-worth to how busy they are, watch them brag about how they don’t have time to eat, pee or generally do anything that doesn’t involve work (as though this is an achievement!) If you can tear yourself away from your busy cycle I suggest you read this great article that really gets into this idea of the Busyness Trap that so many people I know are stuck in: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/?_r=0

I used to be one of these people trapped in the busy cycle. When I found myself at home with a tiny baby I craved this world, I felt lost at sea without it. I had to push through this “withdrawal period” and it took me considerable time but in the end I found new ways to fill my days, new occupations to feed my brain, a new community where I could connect and reflect. And just as soon as I had found this new groove where life was fulfilling, full and worthy I returned to work to find that the luster is now dull and the promises empty.  Sometimes I want to scream: IT’S ALL BOLLOCKS PEOPLE! WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS MEANINGLESS! GO HOME AND DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE WITH YOUR LIVES. But instead I sit here, just like the rest of the zombies and try to make myself look busy in the hope that I can get home with enough energy to enjoy my daughter.

Am I overly cynical, jaded and negative about this? Probably. I miss my freedom, my time with Chloe, being amazed by her daily progress, seeing friends, late lunches, walks on the beach. Let’s face it – life is good as a stay at home mom. Yes there are other stresses, yes that little bundle of joy can drive you nuts, you dream of structure and adult conversation but in the end being at home with your little one beats working in a corporate office any day – hands down! On the flip side if I loved what I did and had fun I would most likely have a different opinion here.

I do hope I find more purpose in what I am doing otherwise the next 5 months of working here are going to be a long dreary painful experience. One thing I will give this place is that the people are nice. No matter how pompous the title is I have found them to be humble, relaxed and intelligent. And that is something I am hoping I can derive some pleasure from… working with people like that, learning from them.

One thing I must share for any mom who is returning to work and wondering how it will affect your relationship with your little one – it doesn’t. I feel just as much a mom as I did when I was home with her all day. Every day when I arrive home her tiny face lights up and she kicks those perfectly chubby legs with joy. You are no less a mother for working. No nanny can ever replace you or chip away at the bond you have with your baby. In fact, ignore everything else I have said today and focus on that one tiny, all-encompassing fact.

Mommy 2.0 – Taking Mommyhood to the Next Level

It’s my first day back at work. I started the day with a Survival Kit compiled by the husband. A beautiful photo of Chloe in a photo frame, some chocolate, a cool drink and some “lollies to make me jolly” J (Yip, he is a keeper!)

The nanny arrived early so that I could have the prolonged goodbye I knew I would need. Traffic was negotiated without too much pain inflicted.

So here I sit at my new desk, at a new job, looking at a photo of my little angel as a reminder of why I am here. Don’t get me wrong, this isn't torture, I have a great new contract job at one of the top rated companies to work for earning a bloody good salary so I cannot complain.  But I have never worked and been a mommy at the same time. I have never spent a full day away from Chloe since she was born.

Work has always been a defining aspect of my life. I have poured myself into it, worked 16 hour days and established a sense of self and identity through my accomplishments in my career. For a long time this was my focus and my ambition so it is now strange to have that focus split between wanting to excel at being a mommy and wanting to continue on my career path.

I do feel ready though to take on this challenge of building myself, feeding myself as well as building and feeding Chloe. I wasn't ready 2 months ago. I felt so awfully inept at being a mom I knew I couldn't juggle the two worlds. It felt like I would be running away from an inadequacy to something familiar and safe.

So here I am. Safe in the knowledge that working does not take away from being a mom; safe in the knowledge that Chloe is having fun and is well looked after; safe in the knowledge that we are building this huge wonderful life with a myriad of possibilities ahead of us.

It is an exciting time for us as a family. When Chloe first arrived it felt like a 10 foot wave crashing on top of me, pushing me under with no concept up or down, unable to breathe or make any sense of the world. But now I have washed up on the shore, there is solid ground beneath my feet, the sun is warm on my skin and I can breathe again. And now somehow the world is crisper, cleaner, brighter and bigger. Having Chloe has made my heart bigger, my joy more intense, made me grateful for all those small moments in life, made me adore my husband even more and made me so much more excited for the future. It’s an amazing experience that I would recommend to anyone. 

End of an Era: Returning to Work

It is the end of an era. I am returning to work. There are a few factors that has led me to this decision:

1. I have an inherent need to achieve and be part of a team exercising my brain and intellect
2. We have dreams of living in a bigger house (where we don't have to tiptoe through Chloe's room to pee in the dark)
3. We would like to own a house one day
4. We want to eradicate our debt and save for Chloe's education
5. We have a deep desire to visit and live in another part of the world, for which we need experience and capital
6. We want our ends to meet at the end of the month and not count cents
7. I want to experience what it is like balancing both worlds, that of mommy and career woman

So for all those reasons it is time to leave the safety of my mommy cocoon and navigate a whole new world. Am I nervous? Hell Yes! Is it also exciting? Yes. It is the beginning of a whole new phase. For the first 6 months I was just trying to survive and understand this new state of being a mom but now I feel ready to tap back into the old me too and in the end find a whole new equilibrium.

I have had to find a nanny. My stress levels around this issue were intense. But in the end, after interviewing 7 different ladies I have found who I believe (and hope to God) is the perfect woman to love and care for Chloe. Before starting the process I was given the advice to trust my gut and by the 6th person you see you have no idea what your gut is saying. That is until you meet THE ONE. And then you just KNOW. She is lovely warm and cheerful and I think this is going to go really well.

So yes, it is an end of an era but the beginning of a new one.

Here are some shots from a family shoot we did over the weekend:

Forever Altered

As some as you might know I have suffered from Post Natal Depression these past (almost) 6 months. It took me 6 weeks to truly understand that I was suffering from it. There were some really un-pretty times. But, over the past month I felt myself rise from the fog of post natal depression. The spark in me is back and I am definitely firing on all cylinders now. Hooray! Suddenly I have 4 jobs on the cards, three different career paths staring me in the face, I have fallen head over heels in love with our daughter, my husband and I have been at our worst and we still love each other madly. For the first time I beginning to understand what family truly is.

I now understand why mothers kept telling me, when I was pregnant, that becoming a mother changes you, that your life will never the same. Once you become a mom you are forever altered.

As i sit here writing this, it is 7:40am. We have been up since 3:20am. I have hummed lullabies,  shushed  and patted to sleep. Gotten back into bed. I have listened to my husband do the same. I have listened to her cry. I have shouted at my husband. I hit a door. Cried. Drank coffee at beach watching the sunrise. I have come to great revelations about myself and my life. Gone home. Cried with my husband. Felt unconditional love. Watched poop being squeezed out of a tiny bum. Watching my husband clean up said poop. Danced with my daughter, giggled with her. Hummed Lullabies and rocked to sleep.

Now, I sit writing this, eating Oreos and drinking milk, feeling happy.

One thing is for sure , motherhood has forever altered me. Sometimes I am not sure who I am, but I am getting to know me, one day at a time. I am getting to know being a wife, understanding what that really means. I am one of a family now, a forever. Its a lot. Its amazing.

It is up to me now to forge a future, to realise the imagined, to make it all real. Its an incredible thing to realise that this is within your power.

I keep thinking I am so incredibly lucky but then i remember what my husband would say, "We are not lucky, we worked bloody hard for all of this, and we are still working at it." Smart man.

This has definitely not been an easy road, these past 6 months but I definitely feel like there is more to me now than there was before. This experience has not taken anything away from me, it has definitely grown me, made more of me.

I am forever altered and I love it.

Being a mom has made me a better daughter

There is something unique about being a mom without a mom. There is a missing link, the circle doesn't close leaving me with a sense of loss. The sad part is, is that we both have lost out on what would have been an amazing understand and friendship.

Becoming a mother changes how you think about your own mother. Suddenly a lot of things come into perspective and you have a new found respect and understanding for your own mother. I once incurred the wrath of a few family members when I compared looking after my ailing mother to being her mother. I was given the proverbial knock over the head for daring to compare the two things and...as much as I loathe to admit being wrong I was wrong. It is no where the same. I wish my mom had gotten the chance to know me as a mom and I wish I had gotten the chance to stand  before her a mom myself.

I understand a lot more know, and I am still only beginning to understand, how difficult it is being a mom, especially to a strong willed stubborn daughter. Chloe might only be 4 months old but I see a lot of myself in her and i cant help but imagine my mom chuckling to herself about the justice of it all.

There are times when I long for her motherly touch so much. Sometimes I wish i could lie in her lap while she strokes my hair and just be her little girl again letting the weight of being a mother to my own daughter slip away.

How would being a mom change the relationship I had with my mother?

I would be more patient. This is a quality a sorely lack. I lacked it right until the end even though I knew I should be more patient, I just could not find it in me (something I will always regret).

I would be more affectionate. My mother was always looking for more affection than I was willing to give. I now understand how much she gave up to be a good mom to me and all she asked for were hugs and kisses in return.

I would give her the space to be her. I expected a lot of my mom because I wanted a lot for her. I guess what it came down to was that I wanted something different for her, so much so that I stop appreciating her for who she was.

I would be gentler with her. I am a tough cookie and I scare people sometimes. I was hard on my mom, aggressive even. She was so soft, it drove me nuts. I saw it as a weakness now I see the strength it took to stay soft and vulnerable in the face of all her hardship.

All in all I wish my mom was still here. Being a mom has made me a better daughter - the only problem is that my mom is not around to know that. But in my heart I think she does know now and is smiling as I finally grow up and let go of all my self righteous bullshit I carried around for so long. Being a mom has certainly cut me down to size and teaches me a thing or two about humility, patience, self-sacrifice, love... a couple times a day!

I love you mom. You were an amazing mother and a beautiful person and I sorely regret we did not get to know each other better.