Because sometimes only a Cappuccino & Chocolate Croissant will do...

For the sake of those around me I have indulged in my ultimate treats - a decaf frothy delicious cappuccino paired with a flaky, soft, thick and indulgent chocolate croissant.

You know I am under the weather when you see these two items on my desk. Usually just the cappuccino will do the trick but today I needed a double dose of decadence to entice a smile onto my face.

The desire to be at home nesting is growing stronger everyday. It is making the world outside that bubble seem hectic, overwhelming and unnecessary.  It seems this little baby is changing me already, definitely making me softer and more sensitive. I used to be a ball-breaker at work and now a few harsh and bitchy words reduce me to tears. When I told the hubby about the incident he said, "A year ago you would have torn that bitch to pieces." And it is true but now I just want to play nice, get through my day without any drama - WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME BABA?!

But I like it :) I like being softer, gentler, nicer. All those walls I built up around me, projecting nothing but hard-ass is tough work! Its easier being less aggressive but when someone is aggressive with me I am caught unawares and those words cut straight through the now non-existent walls hence the chocolate croissant & cappuccino this morning.

All I know is that it is a long weekend - thank goodness. I can finish up the nursery, spend some time with my bestie, have long baths, read a book and go to yoga and leave the chaotic world behind for just a few days.

3 more weeks of working life - counting the days...

The Crash

It had to happen... the proverbial crash, meltdown, collapse - whatever you want to call it. I am in the aftermath now, bleary eyed, humourless, exhausted. Somehow the realisation of everything that is happening and everything that will happen has hit. And it has hit hard.

I am a mother.

Now, some people may disagree since my child does not appear outside of my body but for all emotional and psychological purposes I am a mother. This realisation (one that should be obvious by the belly that is growing on me)  hit me yesterday.

I decided to take a time-out from the day to do some relaxation breathing, sending my thoughts to the child in my womb, saying hi, sending reassuring messages and overall just bonding with this little being. My hands rested lightly on my belly and I couldn't believe the movement I felt coming from within. It was like s/he could feel me and was responding. Tears of joy escaped my closed lids and suddenly all of my own fear about the future disappeared and all I could think of was letting this little one know that there was nothing to be afraid of and that I am so excited to meet him/her.

It was a massive shift for me. I was suddenly very aware of this little life force that already needed to feel loved and secure in my belly. I realised that this little one had the tough journey of making its way into a very scary and unknown world after hours of pushing through a small and dark canal. To be honest, I think the baby will have a tougher time coming out than I will trying to help her/him out. A great sense of peace and purpose overtook me and I went through the day not as one person but distinctly as two people, one which I was holding close.

As quickly as this realisastion struck me there came a slow dawning of the fact that my partner and husband was not and could not feel the same way. Rushing around working, dealing with high stress means his mind is elsewhere. After contributing 12 hours of steadfast focus and stress there is not much room for the rest of the world. This difference meant that the distance between us suddenly felt like a gulf.  Like all of a sudden it was me and the baby on one side and he was on the other. The worst part? He had no clue that this had happened. It was a crushing realisation that sparked a lot of hurt and loneliness on my behalf which resulted in this being transferred to him. Making for an emotional night when what we both needed was rest.

I am not sure how to communicate with anyone how I am feeling. I feel guilt that I cant, guilt for being so emotional, guilt for changing whilst others stay the same. It is as though I am being pulled down a river on a tide of emotional and physiological changes that are taking me away from anything I know or understand .

It is quite isolating and yet I do not feel alone. Now it is me and the baby.


I know that in time I will wash up on the riverbank and everyone will be there waiting for me - they will probably be braaing enjoying some good wine and beer! And I will be overjoyed to join them again. Until then I have to accept that this is a very private journey that only I can fully experience, that is only happening to me, and that it is one that I will emerge from completely changed.

With only 3 months of pregnancy left I want to soak up this miracle that is happening within me and embrace it. I don't want to feel guilty for this private journey or feel anxious that no one can come along with me on it. It is truly an amazing experience, one that I have fallen in love with. I am filled with excitement and joy for the future as my love  for this little being that I have yet to meet face to face grows exponentially.