Where Did All The Real Men Go?

Since becoming a dad my husband has proudly gushed to friends and colleagues, sharing some of the hilarious stories of poop in the bath, sleeping on the couch with babe in arms, pushing prams up and down our driveway at 2am. What has struck as both is the response he gets which is one of surprise that he should be up at 2am, changing diapers. The comment "wow, you are really an active dad!" is one that we are used to. It seemed shocking to us that him being a dad would be considered so unique by so many people, which then begs the question, "Where did all the real men go?"

It seems we have a society riddled with weak men. Men who cannot handle the responsibility of being a dad, men who cannot and don't get their hands dirty, men who leave it up to their wives to raise their children. Here is a snapshot of some of the husbands we have heard of lately:

- one ran off to Mauritius when his son was born... apparently he needed a break (nice place to run to if you are going to run!);
- one who slept in another room so that his wife getting up 4 times a night did not disturb him;
- one who wanted nothing to do with the kids till they were a "decent" age which was considered to be at two years old;
... and all of them refused to deal with nappies and if they do they bring out the masks and gloves (no jokes!)

I have seen men look at their children bewildered when their wives are not around unable to act without a list of instructions being barked at them and I have heard wives tell tales of useless husbands who could not parent without a manual.

We watched a comedian last night (name and link) who had a great bit about being a father of four. In it he jokes about the fact that he should really have learnt their names by now and how he does indeed do diapers and by doing diapers he means telling his wive it needs to be done. It appears that this "joke" is much the reality out there and more terribly - it is accepted.

It seems to me that our society is apathetic about absent dads. Do we believe men are incapable of showing love and compassion for their babies? Do we think them incapable of being nurturers  Surely not. And if we do, shame on us for making them feel inadequate and banishing them to their game consoles to be "men".

I think its all bullshit. Men are indeed capable of intense love, great nurturing and wells of compassion if we just allow them to be, expect them to be. My husband is considered to be "an active dad" - whatever that is supposed to mean. Lets just point out that I am not called  an active mother for caring for my daughter - nope, I am just a mom, no adjectives for me!

What granted him this grand title? He was up with me at 3am when monkey wouldn't sleep. He would rock her, talk to her about her future, make me tea, hug me - he was there, really there. Could he breastfeed? No. But he could be there for me keeping me company in the dead of the night so the burden wasn't mine alone. When I was exhausted and monkey wouldn't sleep he rocked her while I napped.

The point is we survived the early months together, as a team. The result? I fell in love with him over and over again in completely new ways. I saw a strength I never saw before, a resolute man determined to care for his new family in any way he could. I saw his patience as he rocked her for hours and I loved him deeper. I saw him wait for a poop nappy so he could swoop in and clean her up, have his daddy moment with her and it made me proud. I see him carrying the burden of caring for us with his head held high and my heart aches for him.

Does it take a special man to be an "active dad"? I would hope not. I would hope that every man has it in him to be so present, so willing to bond with their offspring, to want to experience the act of raising that child no matter if it occurs at 3am. That being said, there seem to be far too many men who complacently allow their wives to do it all, and far too many wives who dismiss their husbands' attempts to parent.

The sad fact is that in this situation everyone loses. We now have an exhausted mother who believes she must do all the parenting alone, a father who feels inadequate and a child who misses out on the joy of having a team of parents. Its a sad state of affairs really.

All I can say is that I am grateful every day for my husband who happily changes diapers, rushes home for bath time, makes us dinner every night and is happy to be in bed with me at 9pm. I have fallen in love with him over and over again in these past few months watching him grow as a person, a father and a husband.

I implore the wives out there not to shut out their husbands just for being men and I implore dads out there to get their hands dirty and prove everyone wrong. I really do believe that it is through the very physical act of caring for something so helpless that you bond so resolutely and love so immensely.

So this post goes out to the real men out there who are dads, not active dads, just dads (my husband included). Horray to you!

Rock Star Pregnant Lady

This is how I felt yesterday.

A little summary of how the day went: I got up nice and early and put on a slinky black skirt and top with a pair high heels. Yes, I am one of those lucky pregnant women that is carrying tightly in the front and nowhere else so all my usual clothes still fit - hooray! My feet have also not swollen at all so my heels still fit and I have my balance so I can actually walk in them too - bonus!

I headed off to meet the CEO, MD and CD of my company where we would present a 2 hour presentation to a board of investment gurus. The outcome of the meeting will determine whether my agency will be awarded R15 million. Its been a while since I was in a boardroom like that. I have gotten used to my chilled corner of the office, coming to work in dresses and sandals and generally not doing anything of high stress or of too much consequence. So it was nice to know I still have it, I can still par with investment geeks and people with over 30 years in advertising experience.

After I was done presenting, I sat in a glow with my hand on my belly and chatted silently to the baby. Thanking him/ her for helping mommy kick some butt and congratulating him/her on their first successful boardroom meeting.

After a successful presentation (the outcome of whether we will win the account is still to be decided but we were happy with our performance) I met my sexy-as-hell husband at our appointment with the midwife. We got to hold hands and listen to the very happy and healthy heartbeat of our little 31 week old baba. We also got the good news that our little one had turned head down so was definitely getting ready to launch - I just knew our little angle would get full marks!

We chatted about our home birth and made all of our last appointments. The time is nearing. I am getting so excited I could pee in my pants (although that could be the baby pressing on my bladder!)

I got to kiss my husband in the middle of the day, on a week day, what a treat :) We really are disgustingly in love. We wouldnt have it any other way! He is off on a working weekend until Sunday so I am on my own for 5 days - been a very long time since I did not have him by my side, showering me in kisses and cuddles.

A quick trip back to the office, only to be complimented on my sexy number and how could I am looking - all at 31 weeks pregnant too. Why thank you :). I managed to finish up my excel spreadsheet and find time to walk barefoot down to the beach. Our office is located right by Muizenberg beach front and we often don't take the time to properly enjoy it. But yesterday was a stunner. The sea was crystal blue, with very little wave action going on, making for a surreal Thailand-like day that brought such a sense of peace to me. Although I couldn't go full rock star and have a swim I did hike the skirt up as far as it would go and spend time languishing in the thigh-high crystal blue water.

Then it was off to a client meeting with my sandy feet back in high heels. Meeting went smoothly and finished up quickly allowing me to skip traffic and be home by 5pm.

Instead of going to gym I decided to indulge. I lay on my bed with my belly exposed relishing in the cool breeze that was blowing through our bedroom door. I watched girly series and ate chocolate. Followed by an indulgent bath with oils and bubbles. I even managed to fit in some meditation with a focus on connecting with baba. It is incredible, astounding and awe-inspiring how much the baby responds to these exercises. Its like she is dancing around in there having the time of her life. Such a surge of happiness to know that we are so closely connected.

I had a solid 9 hours of sleep. People are surprised that I am still sleeping so well. I am just grateful!

So all in all I felt like a rock star pregnant lady yesterday.

As for today? Well I wish I could have just stayed in bed...I should get the rest of the week off just for yesterday...

Another Milestone

Today is a strange day for me. It marks quite a few milestones in my life:

1. It has been 1 year since I held my mom's hand as she took her last breath
2. It has been 1 month since I married my Prince Charming
3. I am 25 weeks pregnant today

Top that with the fact that I have a stomach bug and you have one very emotional and tired lady.

Last night we went for our first antenatal class. As we were walking through the gates I had this feeling we were in a movie, another scene from our very own romantic comedy. I could see us both nervously walking through the gates, clutching sweaty palms, walking towards another milestones that represents our ever expanding world of grown-up-ness.

Just a year ago we were both in such different stages and not even together, and now here we were sitting in a room filled with strange pregnant bellies waiting for a lovely woman to tell us it is all going to be okay. Unfortunately we couldn't stay for the entire session, thanks to this nasty stomach bug.

But all in all it was a wonderful experience, the two of us embracing this journey towards parenthood together. In truth we are walking the path slowly and carefully. I think we are both careful to not lose ourselves, as individuals and as a couple. The idea of losing what we are for each other is probably the thing that scares us most about becoming parents.

This entire experience is definitely changing me, changing us, in subtle ways all the time. I am trying my best to keep a handle on the range of emotions that seem to fly through me daily and not let the wave overwhelm me because no one likes a bumbling mess of tears!

To my wonderful husband: I love you more everyday and I am so happy to be going through this experience with you.