I. AM. A. MOM

Im back on the writing. Its been hard to put the proverbial pen to paper these past few months. I have tried a few times and there seems to be a blank, a struggle to verbalise the shit storm that has happened since i became a mom. Became a mom. I find myself referring to myself in the third person, "mommy is tired" "mommy needs you to sleep hunny" "mommy's gone nuts" just so that it sinks in. I. AM. A. MOM.

What does that even mean?! Firstly its not a noun. Its a verb. It is something that is happening all the time, moving, growing, changing you from the inside, pulling everything apart and not really putting it back together again. Its kind of like spring cleaning; you throw everything out of the cupboards to get rid of crap and put it all back cleaner and neater than before. Except you get nostalgic about the items, pick at the things listlessly then agonise over whether you may need that in some nonexistant future. What started out as an attempt to clean up ends up with you sitting amidst a pile of junk and a much bigger mess than when you started. Right now, Im sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by peices of my old life, the old me, facing parts of myself that are so dusty i barely recognise them, wondering who i am and how to put it all back together again into a better cleaner version of me.

 I am coming to accept that this process will take some time. I am getting to know this "mother" that is me, trying to feel comfortable in this new place i belong. The most striking thing i have come to realise is that being a mom has amplified my insecurities, my weaknesses glare at me in the mirror demanding attention like a pulsing zit. There is no escaping it. You are challenged every minute of every day. You long to know it all, fix it all. You know you cant. You feel immense guilt for that. You tell yourself to be patient but you've gone through life being impatient, patience does not come naturally.

All the qualities i honed at the work place are suddenly rendered useless and actually hinder the mothering process. There is no controling this monkey, no manual, no order, no structure. She doesnt listen to reason, she is not logical. I have officially given up work. I couldn't bare the thought of someone else caring for her, bonding with her, getting all those precious memories.

I am now a full time stay at home mother. I had never really envisioned this for me. Whenever i fast forwarded to where i thought my lfie would end up i saw myself wearing heels running down the hallways of a corporation not wearing pj's baking peanut butter cookies (this is not a metaphor, this was literally what i was doing this morning!)

Since realising i was not to return to work i have gone into mourning; a feeling of sadness and loneliness coupled with restless nights. What am i mourning? Being a part of a team, being a part of the teams' successes and failures, essentially...being a cog in the wheel. I cant believe that would be something i miss but i do. Perhaps because it has been replaced by my ever annoying need to obssess over little munchkin's sleep patterns. How much she sleeps, how she sleeps, how i put her to sleep, where she sleeps. Its all pretty banal and frankly annoying as shit stuck on your shoe. At the end of the day she sleeps when and where she wants for as long as she deems necessary...and truthfully i should be bloody grateful she sleeps through the night giving us all blissful sleep. So let it go!

So now i am part of a two man team - me and the monkey every day battling to overcome my weaknesses, striving to build a world where this mother in me can grow and find shape, chasing the sleep goblins around every corner.

I. AM. A. MOM.

Graduation!

We had our last antenatal class last night - what a sigh of relief! I felt so excited watching the clock tick down to 9pm; I imagined the bell ringing and all of us running outside and throwing  nappies in the air to celebrate graduation from the class. It wasn't quite like that...go figure.

The hubby and I were talking afterwards about the merits and demerits of the antenatal classes. Now from my limited experience I understand that there was a great need for honest information that told you about the possible pitfalls of pregnancy, brith, breastfeeding and motherhood in general. I remember watching Oprah years ago and women were talking about how they felt fooled because everyone sold them this idyllic image of motherhood and when it didn't turn out like that they were crushed and felt like abnormal failures. Enter antenatal classes...which offer a much more realistic view of what could happen, what to watch out for, to ensure you don't feel alone when the tough gets going.

It was exactly for this reason I signed us up for the class, we had no idea what to expect. But after almost every single class (there were 6 in the course) I cried. I didn't walk out feeling bad or overwhelmed or anything negative really but somehow an hour or two later I was crying and feeling panicky. I was not scared about the actual birth but had huge anxiety about I was going to cope, how our relationship would survive, how we would afford everything etc. I certainly didn't have the rainbows and rose petals picture in my head that needed a dose of reality. I started to question where all this latent anxiety about being a new mom was coming from.

When I thought back to all the shows and movies I have seen over the past few years I saw a montage of fighting couples, a tired and crying mom, covered in milk vomit, unwashed and unhappy. Their friends look at them with pity as their lives stop to revolve around a baby, no longer able to have fun, laugh, be with friends or be a normal human being.

People I meet relish in telling me how tired I will be, how I will never have time to myself, my relationship will suffer, nothing will ever be the same, prepare to never leave the house - the list of things I have to look forward to go on and on.

When did motherhood become so negative? Sure, I know these things will happen, there will be huge adjustments and I also understand that I wont undertstand how huge these will be and how they will affect me until it actually happens. I get it. Trust me. I have panicked about it, cried about it and imagined the worst. Why people think that is helpful, I have no idea.

What happened to Congratulations! Having children is a blessing, there is so much joy and love you have to look forward to...? The barrage of negativity that has come my way from experts, colleagues and practically every person I meet (besides my wonderful friends who think this is going to be wonderful and they really do see unicorns and rainbows!) is overwhelming. Hence the massive relief upon graduating from the class - no more talk about how hard it is all going to be!

I now have 2 months to imagine the best, the wonderful., the laughter, the joy. I have the knowledge sitting in the back of my head but honestly it is time for some bloody unicorns and rainbows!

Another Milestone

Today is a strange day for me. It marks quite a few milestones in my life:

1. It has been 1 year since I held my mom's hand as she took her last breath
2. It has been 1 month since I married my Prince Charming
3. I am 25 weeks pregnant today

Top that with the fact that I have a stomach bug and you have one very emotional and tired lady.

Last night we went for our first antenatal class. As we were walking through the gates I had this feeling we were in a movie, another scene from our very own romantic comedy. I could see us both nervously walking through the gates, clutching sweaty palms, walking towards another milestones that represents our ever expanding world of grown-up-ness.

Just a year ago we were both in such different stages and not even together, and now here we were sitting in a room filled with strange pregnant bellies waiting for a lovely woman to tell us it is all going to be okay. Unfortunately we couldn't stay for the entire session, thanks to this nasty stomach bug.

But all in all it was a wonderful experience, the two of us embracing this journey towards parenthood together. In truth we are walking the path slowly and carefully. I think we are both careful to not lose ourselves, as individuals and as a couple. The idea of losing what we are for each other is probably the thing that scares us most about becoming parents.

This entire experience is definitely changing me, changing us, in subtle ways all the time. I am trying my best to keep a handle on the range of emotions that seem to fly through me daily and not let the wave overwhelm me because no one likes a bumbling mess of tears!

To my wonderful husband: I love you more everyday and I am so happy to be going through this experience with you.