Rock Star Pregnant Lady

This is how I felt yesterday.

A little summary of how the day went: I got up nice and early and put on a slinky black skirt and top with a pair high heels. Yes, I am one of those lucky pregnant women that is carrying tightly in the front and nowhere else so all my usual clothes still fit - hooray! My feet have also not swollen at all so my heels still fit and I have my balance so I can actually walk in them too - bonus!

I headed off to meet the CEO, MD and CD of my company where we would present a 2 hour presentation to a board of investment gurus. The outcome of the meeting will determine whether my agency will be awarded R15 million. Its been a while since I was in a boardroom like that. I have gotten used to my chilled corner of the office, coming to work in dresses and sandals and generally not doing anything of high stress or of too much consequence. So it was nice to know I still have it, I can still par with investment geeks and people with over 30 years in advertising experience.

After I was done presenting, I sat in a glow with my hand on my belly and chatted silently to the baby. Thanking him/ her for helping mommy kick some butt and congratulating him/her on their first successful boardroom meeting.

After a successful presentation (the outcome of whether we will win the account is still to be decided but we were happy with our performance) I met my sexy-as-hell husband at our appointment with the midwife. We got to hold hands and listen to the very happy and healthy heartbeat of our little 31 week old baba. We also got the good news that our little one had turned head down so was definitely getting ready to launch - I just knew our little angle would get full marks!

We chatted about our home birth and made all of our last appointments. The time is nearing. I am getting so excited I could pee in my pants (although that could be the baby pressing on my bladder!)

I got to kiss my husband in the middle of the day, on a week day, what a treat :) We really are disgustingly in love. We wouldnt have it any other way! He is off on a working weekend until Sunday so I am on my own for 5 days - been a very long time since I did not have him by my side, showering me in kisses and cuddles.

A quick trip back to the office, only to be complimented on my sexy number and how could I am looking - all at 31 weeks pregnant too. Why thank you :). I managed to finish up my excel spreadsheet and find time to walk barefoot down to the beach. Our office is located right by Muizenberg beach front and we often don't take the time to properly enjoy it. But yesterday was a stunner. The sea was crystal blue, with very little wave action going on, making for a surreal Thailand-like day that brought such a sense of peace to me. Although I couldn't go full rock star and have a swim I did hike the skirt up as far as it would go and spend time languishing in the thigh-high crystal blue water.

Then it was off to a client meeting with my sandy feet back in high heels. Meeting went smoothly and finished up quickly allowing me to skip traffic and be home by 5pm.

Instead of going to gym I decided to indulge. I lay on my bed with my belly exposed relishing in the cool breeze that was blowing through our bedroom door. I watched girly series and ate chocolate. Followed by an indulgent bath with oils and bubbles. I even managed to fit in some meditation with a focus on connecting with baba. It is incredible, astounding and awe-inspiring how much the baby responds to these exercises. Its like she is dancing around in there having the time of her life. Such a surge of happiness to know that we are so closely connected.

I had a solid 9 hours of sleep. People are surprised that I am still sleeping so well. I am just grateful!

So all in all I felt like a rock star pregnant lady yesterday.

As for today? Well I wish I could have just stayed in bed...I should get the rest of the week off just for yesterday...

Graduation!

We had our last antenatal class last night - what a sigh of relief! I felt so excited watching the clock tick down to 9pm; I imagined the bell ringing and all of us running outside and throwing  nappies in the air to celebrate graduation from the class. It wasn't quite like that...go figure.

The hubby and I were talking afterwards about the merits and demerits of the antenatal classes. Now from my limited experience I understand that there was a great need for honest information that told you about the possible pitfalls of pregnancy, brith, breastfeeding and motherhood in general. I remember watching Oprah years ago and women were talking about how they felt fooled because everyone sold them this idyllic image of motherhood and when it didn't turn out like that they were crushed and felt like abnormal failures. Enter antenatal classes...which offer a much more realistic view of what could happen, what to watch out for, to ensure you don't feel alone when the tough gets going.

It was exactly for this reason I signed us up for the class, we had no idea what to expect. But after almost every single class (there were 6 in the course) I cried. I didn't walk out feeling bad or overwhelmed or anything negative really but somehow an hour or two later I was crying and feeling panicky. I was not scared about the actual birth but had huge anxiety about I was going to cope, how our relationship would survive, how we would afford everything etc. I certainly didn't have the rainbows and rose petals picture in my head that needed a dose of reality. I started to question where all this latent anxiety about being a new mom was coming from.

When I thought back to all the shows and movies I have seen over the past few years I saw a montage of fighting couples, a tired and crying mom, covered in milk vomit, unwashed and unhappy. Their friends look at them with pity as their lives stop to revolve around a baby, no longer able to have fun, laugh, be with friends or be a normal human being.

People I meet relish in telling me how tired I will be, how I will never have time to myself, my relationship will suffer, nothing will ever be the same, prepare to never leave the house - the list of things I have to look forward to go on and on.

When did motherhood become so negative? Sure, I know these things will happen, there will be huge adjustments and I also understand that I wont undertstand how huge these will be and how they will affect me until it actually happens. I get it. Trust me. I have panicked about it, cried about it and imagined the worst. Why people think that is helpful, I have no idea.

What happened to Congratulations! Having children is a blessing, there is so much joy and love you have to look forward to...? The barrage of negativity that has come my way from experts, colleagues and practically every person I meet (besides my wonderful friends who think this is going to be wonderful and they really do see unicorns and rainbows!) is overwhelming. Hence the massive relief upon graduating from the class - no more talk about how hard it is all going to be!

I now have 2 months to imagine the best, the wonderful., the laughter, the joy. I have the knowledge sitting in the back of my head but honestly it is time for some bloody unicorns and rainbows!

The Crash

It had to happen... the proverbial crash, meltdown, collapse - whatever you want to call it. I am in the aftermath now, bleary eyed, humourless, exhausted. Somehow the realisation of everything that is happening and everything that will happen has hit. And it has hit hard.

I am a mother.

Now, some people may disagree since my child does not appear outside of my body but for all emotional and psychological purposes I am a mother. This realisation (one that should be obvious by the belly that is growing on me)  hit me yesterday.

I decided to take a time-out from the day to do some relaxation breathing, sending my thoughts to the child in my womb, saying hi, sending reassuring messages and overall just bonding with this little being. My hands rested lightly on my belly and I couldn't believe the movement I felt coming from within. It was like s/he could feel me and was responding. Tears of joy escaped my closed lids and suddenly all of my own fear about the future disappeared and all I could think of was letting this little one know that there was nothing to be afraid of and that I am so excited to meet him/her.

It was a massive shift for me. I was suddenly very aware of this little life force that already needed to feel loved and secure in my belly. I realised that this little one had the tough journey of making its way into a very scary and unknown world after hours of pushing through a small and dark canal. To be honest, I think the baby will have a tougher time coming out than I will trying to help her/him out. A great sense of peace and purpose overtook me and I went through the day not as one person but distinctly as two people, one which I was holding close.

As quickly as this realisastion struck me there came a slow dawning of the fact that my partner and husband was not and could not feel the same way. Rushing around working, dealing with high stress means his mind is elsewhere. After contributing 12 hours of steadfast focus and stress there is not much room for the rest of the world. This difference meant that the distance between us suddenly felt like a gulf.  Like all of a sudden it was me and the baby on one side and he was on the other. The worst part? He had no clue that this had happened. It was a crushing realisation that sparked a lot of hurt and loneliness on my behalf which resulted in this being transferred to him. Making for an emotional night when what we both needed was rest.

I am not sure how to communicate with anyone how I am feeling. I feel guilt that I cant, guilt for being so emotional, guilt for changing whilst others stay the same. It is as though I am being pulled down a river on a tide of emotional and physiological changes that are taking me away from anything I know or understand .

It is quite isolating and yet I do not feel alone. Now it is me and the baby.


I know that in time I will wash up on the riverbank and everyone will be there waiting for me - they will probably be braaing enjoying some good wine and beer! And I will be overjoyed to join them again. Until then I have to accept that this is a very private journey that only I can fully experience, that is only happening to me, and that it is one that I will emerge from completely changed.

With only 3 months of pregnancy left I want to soak up this miracle that is happening within me and embrace it. I don't want to feel guilty for this private journey or feel anxious that no one can come along with me on it. It is truly an amazing experience, one that I have fallen in love with. I am filled with excitement and joy for the future as my love  for this little being that I have yet to meet face to face grows exponentially.