Graduation!

We had our last antenatal class last night - what a sigh of relief! I felt so excited watching the clock tick down to 9pm; I imagined the bell ringing and all of us running outside and throwing  nappies in the air to celebrate graduation from the class. It wasn't quite like that...go figure.

The hubby and I were talking afterwards about the merits and demerits of the antenatal classes. Now from my limited experience I understand that there was a great need for honest information that told you about the possible pitfalls of pregnancy, brith, breastfeeding and motherhood in general. I remember watching Oprah years ago and women were talking about how they felt fooled because everyone sold them this idyllic image of motherhood and when it didn't turn out like that they were crushed and felt like abnormal failures. Enter antenatal classes...which offer a much more realistic view of what could happen, what to watch out for, to ensure you don't feel alone when the tough gets going.

It was exactly for this reason I signed us up for the class, we had no idea what to expect. But after almost every single class (there were 6 in the course) I cried. I didn't walk out feeling bad or overwhelmed or anything negative really but somehow an hour or two later I was crying and feeling panicky. I was not scared about the actual birth but had huge anxiety about I was going to cope, how our relationship would survive, how we would afford everything etc. I certainly didn't have the rainbows and rose petals picture in my head that needed a dose of reality. I started to question where all this latent anxiety about being a new mom was coming from.

When I thought back to all the shows and movies I have seen over the past few years I saw a montage of fighting couples, a tired and crying mom, covered in milk vomit, unwashed and unhappy. Their friends look at them with pity as their lives stop to revolve around a baby, no longer able to have fun, laugh, be with friends or be a normal human being.

People I meet relish in telling me how tired I will be, how I will never have time to myself, my relationship will suffer, nothing will ever be the same, prepare to never leave the house - the list of things I have to look forward to go on and on.

When did motherhood become so negative? Sure, I know these things will happen, there will be huge adjustments and I also understand that I wont undertstand how huge these will be and how they will affect me until it actually happens. I get it. Trust me. I have panicked about it, cried about it and imagined the worst. Why people think that is helpful, I have no idea.

What happened to Congratulations! Having children is a blessing, there is so much joy and love you have to look forward to...? The barrage of negativity that has come my way from experts, colleagues and practically every person I meet (besides my wonderful friends who think this is going to be wonderful and they really do see unicorns and rainbows!) is overwhelming. Hence the massive relief upon graduating from the class - no more talk about how hard it is all going to be!

I now have 2 months to imagine the best, the wonderful., the laughter, the joy. I have the knowledge sitting in the back of my head but honestly it is time for some bloody unicorns and rainbows!

Quelling the Fears

When people ask how things are going with the pregnancy and all of the life changes that are occurring right now I dont often tell them the whole truth. Whilst there is a lot of joy, peace and happiness and I probably feel the best I have ever felt I am also TERRIFIED.

I have been trying to articulate what exactly I am afraid of and I thought that  by writing my fears down I may be able to calm the deep waters and do the last bit of embracing and letting go.

So here we go...

Escaping Caesars Palace

 

Some of my fear has stemmed from feeling out of control of the situation and by "the situation" I mean, actually giving birth!

When I was 8 weeks pregnant I was ushered into private obstetrician care as all good southern suburbs mommy-to-be's do. She was nice, friendly and recommended. I was in the system with 1000's of others and felt relieved. I saw photo's of my little one every time I saw her in her clean and crisp room. But something felt off, like this was a nicely lit and well orchestrated cover for the meat market I was actually in. I have since learnt that the hospital I was booked into is aptly called "Caesars Palace" and that my doctor has a Caesar rate of over 95%. So my fears that I would end up being "persuaded" into having a C-Section with the use of a lot of scary terms that I did not understand were true.

I have since made some changes to my care giving process and am happily with a midwife. Honestly, I had no idea midwives still existed and that it was even option. The name midwife conjures up images of women giving birth in the middle of dusty fields while picking potatoes. This is however not the case. Midwives advocate natural birth (something not a lot of women consider as an option anymore); they focus on the holistic experience i.e. how is the mother doing both physically and emotionally. They focus on the fact that natural birth is not an anomaly but is in fact wait for it...NATURAL and can be the most beautiful, rewarding and enriching experience both a man and a woman can ever experience.

I might add that this warm and cheery woman spent half an hour chatting to me about all the possibilities, gave me her cellphone number to sms her anytime and said she would email me some support material to read. Did I mention that she does not charge 400% of medical aid rates? I feel like I have won some battle; with the birth of my first child now firmly in my grasp I feel victorious and far more excited about the upcoming 14 weeks.

Introducing mommy-Charisse

 

Now that the birth is covered I fast-forward to being a first time mom. What will it be like? How hard can it be? Will I cope? My biggest fear is that Andre will come home to a cute sleeping baby but a crying wife with dirty disheveled hair, puffy and spotty face, unbrushed teeth, wearing an old tracksuit that is covered in baby puke. Any hope of conversation is replaced with an endless monologue of crying and moaning about how awful it is, how useless I am, how tired I am. Even now I shudder - is it possible that I will transform into this wreck of myself never to return to the calm, confident woman I am now?

When I ask mothers this question with a pleading look of fear and hope in my eye they respond with an oddly critical stare as though they are sizing me up, trying to measure my threshold for the strains of motherhood. No one has been able to give me any reassurance that this is not my fate. Let's face it, it could happen, there is that distinct possibility. 

What can I do to quell this fear? Nothing I guess...Hope like hell I don't find it all that difficult. Draw on the support of anyone and everyone I know. And, since not one of my friends has had a baby before, join a new mommy group for some sanity and camaraderie. Accept that I will have bad days and good days. Hold on to the knowledge that it will get better with every passing day.

Keeping it Hot

My final real fear is a selfish one. How will being parents affect our relationship? We have no idea how it will affect us; we know it will affect us and it will change a lot but those are just words and by no means any indication of what the future holds. This is a tough one. There are no answers really.

We have to keep talking and not just about the baby. We have to keep to our date nights and accept the use of any and all (okay, maybe not all) offers of babysitting help. Trust in our love. Be supportive and patient with one another and accept that we are both going to be finding our way slowly but surely. Stay close. Hug lots. Talk some more. Laugh. Try and enjoy it and not take it so darn seriously!


So now I have whittled the fears down to three concerns. I have conquered one and the other two...well it seems like I am just going to have a little faith, keep my sense of humour and remember that I am loved by many people who will understand and do their best to love me still even when I am snotty nosed and covered in baby puke...

Another Milestone

Today is a strange day for me. It marks quite a few milestones in my life:

1. It has been 1 year since I held my mom's hand as she took her last breath
2. It has been 1 month since I married my Prince Charming
3. I am 25 weeks pregnant today

Top that with the fact that I have a stomach bug and you have one very emotional and tired lady.

Last night we went for our first antenatal class. As we were walking through the gates I had this feeling we were in a movie, another scene from our very own romantic comedy. I could see us both nervously walking through the gates, clutching sweaty palms, walking towards another milestones that represents our ever expanding world of grown-up-ness.

Just a year ago we were both in such different stages and not even together, and now here we were sitting in a room filled with strange pregnant bellies waiting for a lovely woman to tell us it is all going to be okay. Unfortunately we couldn't stay for the entire session, thanks to this nasty stomach bug.

But all in all it was a wonderful experience, the two of us embracing this journey towards parenthood together. In truth we are walking the path slowly and carefully. I think we are both careful to not lose ourselves, as individuals and as a couple. The idea of losing what we are for each other is probably the thing that scares us most about becoming parents.

This entire experience is definitely changing me, changing us, in subtle ways all the time. I am trying my best to keep a handle on the range of emotions that seem to fly through me daily and not let the wave overwhelm me because no one likes a bumbling mess of tears!

To my wonderful husband: I love you more everyday and I am so happy to be going through this experience with you.