Graduation!

We had our last antenatal class last night - what a sigh of relief! I felt so excited watching the clock tick down to 9pm; I imagined the bell ringing and all of us running outside and throwing  nappies in the air to celebrate graduation from the class. It wasn't quite like that...go figure.

The hubby and I were talking afterwards about the merits and demerits of the antenatal classes. Now from my limited experience I understand that there was a great need for honest information that told you about the possible pitfalls of pregnancy, brith, breastfeeding and motherhood in general. I remember watching Oprah years ago and women were talking about how they felt fooled because everyone sold them this idyllic image of motherhood and when it didn't turn out like that they were crushed and felt like abnormal failures. Enter antenatal classes...which offer a much more realistic view of what could happen, what to watch out for, to ensure you don't feel alone when the tough gets going.

It was exactly for this reason I signed us up for the class, we had no idea what to expect. But after almost every single class (there were 6 in the course) I cried. I didn't walk out feeling bad or overwhelmed or anything negative really but somehow an hour or two later I was crying and feeling panicky. I was not scared about the actual birth but had huge anxiety about I was going to cope, how our relationship would survive, how we would afford everything etc. I certainly didn't have the rainbows and rose petals picture in my head that needed a dose of reality. I started to question where all this latent anxiety about being a new mom was coming from.

When I thought back to all the shows and movies I have seen over the past few years I saw a montage of fighting couples, a tired and crying mom, covered in milk vomit, unwashed and unhappy. Their friends look at them with pity as their lives stop to revolve around a baby, no longer able to have fun, laugh, be with friends or be a normal human being.

People I meet relish in telling me how tired I will be, how I will never have time to myself, my relationship will suffer, nothing will ever be the same, prepare to never leave the house - the list of things I have to look forward to go on and on.

When did motherhood become so negative? Sure, I know these things will happen, there will be huge adjustments and I also understand that I wont undertstand how huge these will be and how they will affect me until it actually happens. I get it. Trust me. I have panicked about it, cried about it and imagined the worst. Why people think that is helpful, I have no idea.

What happened to Congratulations! Having children is a blessing, there is so much joy and love you have to look forward to...? The barrage of negativity that has come my way from experts, colleagues and practically every person I meet (besides my wonderful friends who think this is going to be wonderful and they really do see unicorns and rainbows!) is overwhelming. Hence the massive relief upon graduating from the class - no more talk about how hard it is all going to be!

I now have 2 months to imagine the best, the wonderful., the laughter, the joy. I have the knowledge sitting in the back of my head but honestly it is time for some bloody unicorns and rainbows!

Taking the Pressure Off

Its been a tumultuous two or three weeks, hence the silence on the blog. In fact, its been an all round  blackout. When times of mental strain are upon me I tend to crawl into my hole, reply sparsely to smses and avoid human contact where possible.

Its amazing what our minds can do to us. My mind was filled with lists of things we needed to get, of the things we just wouldn't be able to survive without, the list of bills we would need to cover on one salary, the pros and cons of either staying home or going back to work.

STOP!

My brain literally exploded. It came running out of my eyes, my mouth and my nose. My body shook, my heart hammered. I felt sick. There was just absolutely no way we could do this.

My husband held me close to him. I didn't understand how he was not feeling like this, not feeling the crushing weight of the responsibilities to come, the unknown. The fact that he didn't feel this way made me feel like I should stress and worry enough for two people. Gosh, I really got myself into a spiral that was entirely unhelpful and distracting me from all the good in our lives.

I am happy to say that moment of panic has passed. I have let go of a lot of what I thought we "needed". The truth is we don't NEED those things, all baba is going to need is a warm spot between mama and papa and the goodness that will eventually leak, spurt and dribble from my boobs. The rest...well it will come.

I went into Exclusive Books the other day to look for the Baby Sense book (which I just had to get, apparently). I opened it to a random page and saw a column saying something like "hold object 27cm from baby's face..." I immediately closed it and put it down. I don't need any more instruction manuals, lists of things to do and don't do. When did loving and taking care of your baby become so complicated?!


I just want to feel and stop thinking, feel the joy and excitement, and let the wonderment take me over when the baby comes, let my instincts and love be the forerunner of how I care for our baby, not a list or a book.

That being said I did get one book: How not to F*&% them up! It speaks about how embracing your own style of parenting is the best thing you can do for your child. Now this I find useful so I am reading it slowly and in between my own fun books that are about dragons and magic and have nothing to do with poop, stimulation, sleeping cycles etc.

I now know that my approach is not like others and I am okay with that. I brush off the looks of judgement, worry, horror on people's faces when I answer a question about how we are approaching the arrival of our little one. In fact, I would prefer not to talk about how we will parent or what decision we will make about childcare. I end up having to politely smile and nod, and hopefully tune out, as people start giving me their opinions, which sound a lot more like facts if you ask me.

We are going to do this our way; you may judge, snicker behind my back as much as you like, think that we are nuts but at the end of the day every single is person is different and parenting comes down to finding what works for you, what makes you feel happy and mostly guilt-free as well as ensuring the needs of your child are met enabling you to tune in to your baby and give it as much love as you can. You are not wrong on how you choose to approach parenthood and neither am I.

And all of this is before I have even mentioned I am plan to give birth at home...then the eyebrows really rise....

<chuckle chuckle>