Let the Dreams Begin

So I had my first child related nightmare last night.

In my dream I had given birth to our little baba. The very next scene I am walking down the street with a colleague of mine as we walk to a job. I was telling her about buying breast pads (yip, I have bought breast pads - so charming!) and telling her this triggered some distant memory...Oh yes, I had given birth. And then the questions started to run through my head at a rapid pace...Did I look at my child? Had I fed her/him? I realised I had done neither of these things. I turned around and started pumping my legs as fast as they would go to get back home as soon as I could.

It was horrifying but I suspect it is the first of many panic stricken dreams where I am underachieving as a mom. With 5 weeks to go, (if I go full term - the doctor said I should prepare for an early delivery) the thought that there will actually be a tiny human being in my arms is starting to become real, very REAL.

Now it doesn't take a Freud major to see how my mind is still trying to transition from working professional to new mom; how the reality of the baby is still unreal despite carrying this little one inside of me and feeling every little movement, hiccup, elbow and foot. I have heard other parents say that you can never really prepare, once they put that tiny human in your arms your whole world turns upside down and nothing is ever the same.

I look forward to this new phase of our lives, and learning how to be a parent with my partner in crime (possibly the best husband in the world and I just know he will be an even better father!) We spent most of the weekend buying the last bits and bobs for the baba and when I say bits and bobs I mean we spent a small fortune on our credit cards...ouch! My bestie and I tackled painting the feature wall of the nursery which now looks like a complete mess but once i can put everything in its final place I think it will look just perfect (pictures to follow from before, during and then after).

So we should be all wrapped up and ready to rumble in 2 weeks. And then? And then there is nothing left to do but wait for this massive event that will change us for the rest our lives.

Graduation!

We had our last antenatal class last night - what a sigh of relief! I felt so excited watching the clock tick down to 9pm; I imagined the bell ringing and all of us running outside and throwing  nappies in the air to celebrate graduation from the class. It wasn't quite like that...go figure.

The hubby and I were talking afterwards about the merits and demerits of the antenatal classes. Now from my limited experience I understand that there was a great need for honest information that told you about the possible pitfalls of pregnancy, brith, breastfeeding and motherhood in general. I remember watching Oprah years ago and women were talking about how they felt fooled because everyone sold them this idyllic image of motherhood and when it didn't turn out like that they were crushed and felt like abnormal failures. Enter antenatal classes...which offer a much more realistic view of what could happen, what to watch out for, to ensure you don't feel alone when the tough gets going.

It was exactly for this reason I signed us up for the class, we had no idea what to expect. But after almost every single class (there were 6 in the course) I cried. I didn't walk out feeling bad or overwhelmed or anything negative really but somehow an hour or two later I was crying and feeling panicky. I was not scared about the actual birth but had huge anxiety about I was going to cope, how our relationship would survive, how we would afford everything etc. I certainly didn't have the rainbows and rose petals picture in my head that needed a dose of reality. I started to question where all this latent anxiety about being a new mom was coming from.

When I thought back to all the shows and movies I have seen over the past few years I saw a montage of fighting couples, a tired and crying mom, covered in milk vomit, unwashed and unhappy. Their friends look at them with pity as their lives stop to revolve around a baby, no longer able to have fun, laugh, be with friends or be a normal human being.

People I meet relish in telling me how tired I will be, how I will never have time to myself, my relationship will suffer, nothing will ever be the same, prepare to never leave the house - the list of things I have to look forward to go on and on.

When did motherhood become so negative? Sure, I know these things will happen, there will be huge adjustments and I also understand that I wont undertstand how huge these will be and how they will affect me until it actually happens. I get it. Trust me. I have panicked about it, cried about it and imagined the worst. Why people think that is helpful, I have no idea.

What happened to Congratulations! Having children is a blessing, there is so much joy and love you have to look forward to...? The barrage of negativity that has come my way from experts, colleagues and practically every person I meet (besides my wonderful friends who think this is going to be wonderful and they really do see unicorns and rainbows!) is overwhelming. Hence the massive relief upon graduating from the class - no more talk about how hard it is all going to be!

I now have 2 months to imagine the best, the wonderful., the laughter, the joy. I have the knowledge sitting in the back of my head but honestly it is time for some bloody unicorns and rainbows!