Let the Dreams Begin

So I had my first child related nightmare last night.

In my dream I had given birth to our little baba. The very next scene I am walking down the street with a colleague of mine as we walk to a job. I was telling her about buying breast pads (yip, I have bought breast pads - so charming!) and telling her this triggered some distant memory...Oh yes, I had given birth. And then the questions started to run through my head at a rapid pace...Did I look at my child? Had I fed her/him? I realised I had done neither of these things. I turned around and started pumping my legs as fast as they would go to get back home as soon as I could.

It was horrifying but I suspect it is the first of many panic stricken dreams where I am underachieving as a mom. With 5 weeks to go, (if I go full term - the doctor said I should prepare for an early delivery) the thought that there will actually be a tiny human being in my arms is starting to become real, very REAL.

Now it doesn't take a Freud major to see how my mind is still trying to transition from working professional to new mom; how the reality of the baby is still unreal despite carrying this little one inside of me and feeling every little movement, hiccup, elbow and foot. I have heard other parents say that you can never really prepare, once they put that tiny human in your arms your whole world turns upside down and nothing is ever the same.

I look forward to this new phase of our lives, and learning how to be a parent with my partner in crime (possibly the best husband in the world and I just know he will be an even better father!) We spent most of the weekend buying the last bits and bobs for the baba and when I say bits and bobs I mean we spent a small fortune on our credit cards...ouch! My bestie and I tackled painting the feature wall of the nursery which now looks like a complete mess but once i can put everything in its final place I think it will look just perfect (pictures to follow from before, during and then after).

So we should be all wrapped up and ready to rumble in 2 weeks. And then? And then there is nothing left to do but wait for this massive event that will change us for the rest our lives.

The Crash

It had to happen... the proverbial crash, meltdown, collapse - whatever you want to call it. I am in the aftermath now, bleary eyed, humourless, exhausted. Somehow the realisation of everything that is happening and everything that will happen has hit. And it has hit hard.

I am a mother.

Now, some people may disagree since my child does not appear outside of my body but for all emotional and psychological purposes I am a mother. This realisation (one that should be obvious by the belly that is growing on me)  hit me yesterday.

I decided to take a time-out from the day to do some relaxation breathing, sending my thoughts to the child in my womb, saying hi, sending reassuring messages and overall just bonding with this little being. My hands rested lightly on my belly and I couldn't believe the movement I felt coming from within. It was like s/he could feel me and was responding. Tears of joy escaped my closed lids and suddenly all of my own fear about the future disappeared and all I could think of was letting this little one know that there was nothing to be afraid of and that I am so excited to meet him/her.

It was a massive shift for me. I was suddenly very aware of this little life force that already needed to feel loved and secure in my belly. I realised that this little one had the tough journey of making its way into a very scary and unknown world after hours of pushing through a small and dark canal. To be honest, I think the baby will have a tougher time coming out than I will trying to help her/him out. A great sense of peace and purpose overtook me and I went through the day not as one person but distinctly as two people, one which I was holding close.

As quickly as this realisastion struck me there came a slow dawning of the fact that my partner and husband was not and could not feel the same way. Rushing around working, dealing with high stress means his mind is elsewhere. After contributing 12 hours of steadfast focus and stress there is not much room for the rest of the world. This difference meant that the distance between us suddenly felt like a gulf.  Like all of a sudden it was me and the baby on one side and he was on the other. The worst part? He had no clue that this had happened. It was a crushing realisation that sparked a lot of hurt and loneliness on my behalf which resulted in this being transferred to him. Making for an emotional night when what we both needed was rest.

I am not sure how to communicate with anyone how I am feeling. I feel guilt that I cant, guilt for being so emotional, guilt for changing whilst others stay the same. It is as though I am being pulled down a river on a tide of emotional and physiological changes that are taking me away from anything I know or understand .

It is quite isolating and yet I do not feel alone. Now it is me and the baby.


I know that in time I will wash up on the riverbank and everyone will be there waiting for me - they will probably be braaing enjoying some good wine and beer! And I will be overjoyed to join them again. Until then I have to accept that this is a very private journey that only I can fully experience, that is only happening to me, and that it is one that I will emerge from completely changed.

With only 3 months of pregnancy left I want to soak up this miracle that is happening within me and embrace it. I don't want to feel guilty for this private journey or feel anxious that no one can come along with me on it. It is truly an amazing experience, one that I have fallen in love with. I am filled with excitement and joy for the future as my love  for this little being that I have yet to meet face to face grows exponentially.