“Mommy knows best” ~ a quote that I am sure we have all
heard at one time or another. I am however struck by the notion that this is
not always true, at least not all the time, in all situations. It seems to me that this notion has bestowed moms with some kind of divinity, as though the
mere fact of bearing a child has precluded them from infallibility and has made
them all knowing. And some women have really taken this to heart.
You know the kind … no one can tell her anything about being a mom that she doesn’t
already know, no one can hold the baby just right, or burb her just right, or
change her just right.
Motherhood is an emotionally complex & often fraught
role. It can be seen as the single most important relationship you will have in
your lifetime. That’s a lot of pressure. You obviously want to do it “right”,
be the one mother in all of history that does not fuck up her kids.
I hate to break it to you, but there is no “right”. There is
no ONE way that is the right way, all of the time. Just because you are a mom
does not mean you know best, all the time, in every situation. And I think deep
down even the most self-assured mom knows this and perhaps that air of
righteousness is a way of protecting her own vulnerability, her own
infallibility.
Sometimes I wonder whether I was blessed by having PND. It
was humbling to say the least. It knocked out any sense of lofty righteousness
I might have felt being a mother. In fact it made me feel inferior as a mother,
made me feel useless and completely unable to connect with motherhood. It meant
that I never felt like I knew it all, I never felt that I was super mom.
Struggling with PND meant that there was enough space for my husband to develop
his own relationship with our daughter. I didn’t hang onto the notion that he wasn’t
doing it my way, I was just so darn grateful that he was doing it ANY way that
allowed me to sleep.
To this day I am grateful for that. Even now at 11 months
old, you can see the incredibly unique and special relationship that my husband
and daughter have. He still has a magic touch with her, he can settle her from
hysterically crying to calm in less than 5 minutes. And I firmly believe this
is because they had the time to figure each other out. I did not insist on
settling her every time, I did not insist on being the one to change her, burb
her. In fact my husband did the bulk of the diaper changes, the burping and the
rocking when he was home.
Sometimes being the perfect mom, the “super mom” is not the
best thing. You get in the way of the rest of your family developing unique and
fulfilling relationships with your child and you miss out on the opportunity to
learn and grow as a mother (because believe you me you do not know it all, no
one ever does!) On top of it you run the risk of becoming resentful that you have
to do everything because your partner just never does it right.
So in a strange way I am grateful for PND – it humbled me
and made me realise from the start that I do not always know best.
My advice to any new mom would be to bite your tongue and
stay out of it when your partner, mother, aunty is not doing it right. If you have
to, leave the house. Allow them the opportunity to get to know each other, on
their own terms, in their own time, in their own way. Their relationship is not
supposed to be the same as yours. It supposed to unique and special and
private, just for them. Allow them that. Allow your child, partner and family this wonderful
experience.
It is a lesson I am still learning as anyone who has not babysat my child will know ;)
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| daddy pulling moves mommy would never do |
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| enjoying a private giggle with mommy's friends |
