It’s my
first day back at work. I started the day with a Survival Kit compiled by the
husband. A beautiful photo of Chloe in a photo frame, some chocolate, a cool drink
and some “lollies to make me jolly” J (Yip, he is a keeper!)
The nanny
arrived early so that I could have the prolonged goodbye I knew I would need.
Traffic was negotiated without too much pain inflicted.
So here I
sit at my new desk, at a new job, looking at a photo of my little angel as a reminder
of why I am here. Don’t get me wrong, this isn't torture, I have a great new
contract job at one of the top rated companies to work for earning a bloody good
salary so I cannot complain. But I have
never worked and been a mommy at the same time. I have never spent a full day
away from Chloe since she was born.
Work has
always been a defining aspect of my life. I have poured myself into it, worked
16 hour days and established a sense of self and identity through my
accomplishments in my career. For a long time this was my focus and my ambition
so it is now strange to have that focus split between wanting to excel at being
a mommy and wanting to continue on my career path.
I do feel
ready though to take on this challenge of building myself, feeding myself as
well as building and feeding Chloe. I wasn't ready 2 months ago. I felt so awfully
inept at being a mom I knew I couldn't juggle the two worlds. It felt like I
would be running away from an inadequacy to something familiar and safe.
So here I
am. Safe in the knowledge that working does not take away from being a mom;
safe in the knowledge that Chloe is having fun and is well looked after; safe
in the knowledge that we are building this huge wonderful life with a myriad of
possibilities ahead of us.
It is an
exciting time for us as a family. When Chloe first arrived it felt like a 10
foot wave crashing on top of me, pushing me under with no concept up or down,
unable to breathe or make any sense of the world. But now I have washed up on
the shore, there is solid ground beneath my feet, the sun is warm on my skin
and I can breathe again. And now somehow the world is crisper, cleaner,
brighter and bigger. Having Chloe has made my heart bigger, my joy more
intense, made me grateful for all those small moments in life, made me adore my
husband even more and made me so much more excited for the future. It’s an
amazing experience that I would recommend to anyone.
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