I feel as though a huge part of me has been given a terminal disease, has been told it is not worthy, is disrespected. Why? Because I decided that I could not retun to work full time and my quest to create that 'perfect balance' was denied leaving me feeling vaguely pissed off and inadequate.
For the past 7 years I have worked in the only industry that could sustain my once insatiable desire for chaos, people and drama - advertising. It was the only place where boredom didnt hit me in the face. It became a huge part of who I was. I was good at it, I enjoyed beind good at it, being busy, solving problems...I enjoyed succeeding.
It did however at one point take me over, almost swallowed me whole. It became a place where I hid from the world, a place where I could be someone else, someone stronger, someone who was in control.
After my mom passed I feasted on it to the point where it was making me sick, making me forget the softer and often best parts of me.
Then a trip to Thailand changed my world. Two weeks in paradise with the man that would become my husband and father of my beauitful daughter changed me. It gave me perspective. When I stepped back into that boardroom I knew I had to leave. It took me a week to resign...without a new job, without a plan. The job that had been my life line for years had become the dead weight threatening to drown me.
A few days later I found out I was pregnant, now without a job. I didnt want to stay in advertising, I was desperate to get out, to do something else, something with purpose and meaning, something that made a positive contribution to the world. Every job posting I read for client service in the industry made my stomach recoil and yet with a baby in my belly i wasnt in the best position to get into something new.
I found myself back in an agency, a small one, run by industry greats, close to home, on the beach...what could be better? It was exactly what i needed. I kept a low profile, managed my one account, never worked late, never persued more; it was unlike me but that growing baby changed me and she continues to.
I knew that I wouldnt be able to hand her over to someone else to raise, I knew this before she was born. Together my husband and I decided we would sacrifice whatever we needed to in order for me to be able to stay at home. Even though I knew I didnt have to return for the money I still couldnt say goodbye. I wanted to hold on still. As the months of my maternity leave ticked by I avoided questions about when I would return to work. I just did not have an answer.
Now that it had come down to it, I could not say goodbye to that world even though it did not fulfill me, it did not grow me as a person. And to be honest being a mom does. It challenges me every day, it demands of me, it grows me.
I had this pretty little picture of me working half days from home and still being a cheerful patient mommy who gets nothing but smiles and giggles. And I tried to make this vision come true, however far fetched it may be.
The part I dont talk about though is the knowledge that this pretty little picture would have been tough to manage. Being a mom is not as simple for me as it might be for others, patience is not natural to me, self sacrifice to another helpless being is not natural to me. I have always been ambitious, hard, demanding, impatient, expectant. Staying at home focusing on my daughter and her needs takes a lot from me. To stay in the moment, treasure the simplicity, the routine, the silence, the bond, the smile, and allow these things to fill me up and inspire me is a challenge and one that I want to embrace.
So you can see there are two distinct people inside of me, each demanding attention, love and reassurance. I couldnt tell either side that they were wrong and so I persued that pretty little picture and tried to negotiate a half day flexi hours from home deal that would allow me to feed both. My attempts came to nought.
In an impersonal email with no words such as 'regret' 'unfortunately' or 'thank you' i was told that there was no room for me. No regards, no thank you for your service, we understand, we hope...bla bla bla. I feel utterly rejected, I feel shunned. Do only women who give up spending time with their children belong in the work place? Why is there no middle ground? Why cant i be both, career woman and an at home mom? I feel cheated. I feel forced into being a full time stay at home mom, to choose one side of me over the other.
I dream of a day where there are more opportunities for moms to work flexi hours from home with some office time. I dream of a day where employers would value your need to care for your children and work at the same time. I dream of a day where I dont feel invalidated for choosing to stay home with my daughter. In fact, the more I think about it the more pissed i am.
We have come so far in our technological and progressive world and yet we still believe that work means you must be chained to your desk from 9 - 5...how very archaic of us.
I am disappointed in our age where moms cant work part time, where they are forced to choose between the two worlds of work and motherhood as though they exist exclusively from each other; forcing moms around the world to feel inadequate whether they choose to work or choose to stay at home.
