Having it all...?

This is something that I am struggling with - an internal tug of war going on inside me. I'm not sure that statement is true at all. I think it is a myth perpetuated by media. I don't think there is a win-win situation, I think there is always a loss happening somewhere. I think it is all about minimising the loss so that it is not detrimental to either party, baba or mama.

One part of me already wants to be at home, preparing for the baba's arrival, washing everything, arranging the room, packing away the cloths, re-organsing the house to accommodate our new family member. I want to take walks on the beach, sleep too long and generally be at home and nest.  Instead I put on a cute outfit and head to the office.

I think about when the baby finally makes his/her arrival (I am 32 weeks pregnant at the moment and every day feels like a week!) and what I will want to do. In truth, I want to be able to have the option to stay home. I already get jealous of the imaginary people that will look after my baby while I go to the office to type out briefs that add no real value to the state of the nation, or to my soul. I want to be this little person's world, create a bubble of love and family. This I know will mean something, add value, potentially improve the world for the better.

The other part of me hears the directors preparing for my leaving, leaving me out of conversations and I cant help but I feel a pang of "left out-ness". My value, my opinion, my input is already being overlooked and I am still here. I have to push this feeling of ... I'm not sure what it is but I think it something to close to shame...down and remember the bigger picture.

I have tied my identity to the praise I receive at work. I worked hard as a young girl, achieving A's at school. It got me recognised, it got me some attention and it gave me a "thing", a sense of place in this world. I went to university straight after school and continued to push. Having a career was something that my family did not do, for various reasons. My mom had to give up any thought of a career when she fell pregnant with me at 18 and I watched her toil away in a job she hated for most of her life and I was determined not to be the same.

So at 30 I have a successful career path set out in front of me. But now that I have it I'm not sure what it is worth. Did I tie my identity to something worthless merely for the fact that I did want to end up in the same position as my mother? I know I am good at it, but does being good at something mean you should spend your time on earth doing it?

I do think my desire to be a full time mother is stronger than my need to find praise and worth from work. Its a new thought, one I had never considered before but it is growing in strength as I inch closer to due date. That being said, you never know how you will feel once you take an aspect of your life away, especially one that has been such a strong driving force for so long.

So the questions become...Can I give up my worker identity? Can I give up the independence of earning my own cash? Can I give up that feeling of accomplishment and reward I get from work? Can I put our family under the crunch when it comes to money? Can I put the pressure on my husband to earn enough for us both?

I certainly don't have the answers but I am hoping that when the time comes the path forward is crystal clear. That my feelings will be so strong that I wont be able to do anything else.