The Crash

It had to happen... the proverbial crash, meltdown, collapse - whatever you want to call it. I am in the aftermath now, bleary eyed, humourless, exhausted. Somehow the realisation of everything that is happening and everything that will happen has hit. And it has hit hard.

I am a mother.

Now, some people may disagree since my child does not appear outside of my body but for all emotional and psychological purposes I am a mother. This realisation (one that should be obvious by the belly that is growing on me)  hit me yesterday.

I decided to take a time-out from the day to do some relaxation breathing, sending my thoughts to the child in my womb, saying hi, sending reassuring messages and overall just bonding with this little being. My hands rested lightly on my belly and I couldn't believe the movement I felt coming from within. It was like s/he could feel me and was responding. Tears of joy escaped my closed lids and suddenly all of my own fear about the future disappeared and all I could think of was letting this little one know that there was nothing to be afraid of and that I am so excited to meet him/her.

It was a massive shift for me. I was suddenly very aware of this little life force that already needed to feel loved and secure in my belly. I realised that this little one had the tough journey of making its way into a very scary and unknown world after hours of pushing through a small and dark canal. To be honest, I think the baby will have a tougher time coming out than I will trying to help her/him out. A great sense of peace and purpose overtook me and I went through the day not as one person but distinctly as two people, one which I was holding close.

As quickly as this realisastion struck me there came a slow dawning of the fact that my partner and husband was not and could not feel the same way. Rushing around working, dealing with high stress means his mind is elsewhere. After contributing 12 hours of steadfast focus and stress there is not much room for the rest of the world. This difference meant that the distance between us suddenly felt like a gulf.  Like all of a sudden it was me and the baby on one side and he was on the other. The worst part? He had no clue that this had happened. It was a crushing realisation that sparked a lot of hurt and loneliness on my behalf which resulted in this being transferred to him. Making for an emotional night when what we both needed was rest.

I am not sure how to communicate with anyone how I am feeling. I feel guilt that I cant, guilt for being so emotional, guilt for changing whilst others stay the same. It is as though I am being pulled down a river on a tide of emotional and physiological changes that are taking me away from anything I know or understand .

It is quite isolating and yet I do not feel alone. Now it is me and the baby.


I know that in time I will wash up on the riverbank and everyone will be there waiting for me - they will probably be braaing enjoying some good wine and beer! And I will be overjoyed to join them again. Until then I have to accept that this is a very private journey that only I can fully experience, that is only happening to me, and that it is one that I will emerge from completely changed.

With only 3 months of pregnancy left I want to soak up this miracle that is happening within me and embrace it. I don't want to feel guilty for this private journey or feel anxious that no one can come along with me on it. It is truly an amazing experience, one that I have fallen in love with. I am filled with excitement and joy for the future as my love  for this little being that I have yet to meet face to face grows exponentially.

Quelling the Fears

When people ask how things are going with the pregnancy and all of the life changes that are occurring right now I dont often tell them the whole truth. Whilst there is a lot of joy, peace and happiness and I probably feel the best I have ever felt I am also TERRIFIED.

I have been trying to articulate what exactly I am afraid of and I thought that  by writing my fears down I may be able to calm the deep waters and do the last bit of embracing and letting go.

So here we go...

Escaping Caesars Palace

 

Some of my fear has stemmed from feeling out of control of the situation and by "the situation" I mean, actually giving birth!

When I was 8 weeks pregnant I was ushered into private obstetrician care as all good southern suburbs mommy-to-be's do. She was nice, friendly and recommended. I was in the system with 1000's of others and felt relieved. I saw photo's of my little one every time I saw her in her clean and crisp room. But something felt off, like this was a nicely lit and well orchestrated cover for the meat market I was actually in. I have since learnt that the hospital I was booked into is aptly called "Caesars Palace" and that my doctor has a Caesar rate of over 95%. So my fears that I would end up being "persuaded" into having a C-Section with the use of a lot of scary terms that I did not understand were true.

I have since made some changes to my care giving process and am happily with a midwife. Honestly, I had no idea midwives still existed and that it was even option. The name midwife conjures up images of women giving birth in the middle of dusty fields while picking potatoes. This is however not the case. Midwives advocate natural birth (something not a lot of women consider as an option anymore); they focus on the holistic experience i.e. how is the mother doing both physically and emotionally. They focus on the fact that natural birth is not an anomaly but is in fact wait for it...NATURAL and can be the most beautiful, rewarding and enriching experience both a man and a woman can ever experience.

I might add that this warm and cheery woman spent half an hour chatting to me about all the possibilities, gave me her cellphone number to sms her anytime and said she would email me some support material to read. Did I mention that she does not charge 400% of medical aid rates? I feel like I have won some battle; with the birth of my first child now firmly in my grasp I feel victorious and far more excited about the upcoming 14 weeks.

Introducing mommy-Charisse

 

Now that the birth is covered I fast-forward to being a first time mom. What will it be like? How hard can it be? Will I cope? My biggest fear is that Andre will come home to a cute sleeping baby but a crying wife with dirty disheveled hair, puffy and spotty face, unbrushed teeth, wearing an old tracksuit that is covered in baby puke. Any hope of conversation is replaced with an endless monologue of crying and moaning about how awful it is, how useless I am, how tired I am. Even now I shudder - is it possible that I will transform into this wreck of myself never to return to the calm, confident woman I am now?

When I ask mothers this question with a pleading look of fear and hope in my eye they respond with an oddly critical stare as though they are sizing me up, trying to measure my threshold for the strains of motherhood. No one has been able to give me any reassurance that this is not my fate. Let's face it, it could happen, there is that distinct possibility. 

What can I do to quell this fear? Nothing I guess...Hope like hell I don't find it all that difficult. Draw on the support of anyone and everyone I know. And, since not one of my friends has had a baby before, join a new mommy group for some sanity and camaraderie. Accept that I will have bad days and good days. Hold on to the knowledge that it will get better with every passing day.

Keeping it Hot

My final real fear is a selfish one. How will being parents affect our relationship? We have no idea how it will affect us; we know it will affect us and it will change a lot but those are just words and by no means any indication of what the future holds. This is a tough one. There are no answers really.

We have to keep talking and not just about the baby. We have to keep to our date nights and accept the use of any and all (okay, maybe not all) offers of babysitting help. Trust in our love. Be supportive and patient with one another and accept that we are both going to be finding our way slowly but surely. Stay close. Hug lots. Talk some more. Laugh. Try and enjoy it and not take it so darn seriously!


So now I have whittled the fears down to three concerns. I have conquered one and the other two...well it seems like I am just going to have a little faith, keep my sense of humour and remember that I am loved by many people who will understand and do their best to love me still even when I am snotty nosed and covered in baby puke...

Another Milestone

Today is a strange day for me. It marks quite a few milestones in my life:

1. It has been 1 year since I held my mom's hand as she took her last breath
2. It has been 1 month since I married my Prince Charming
3. I am 25 weeks pregnant today

Top that with the fact that I have a stomach bug and you have one very emotional and tired lady.

Last night we went for our first antenatal class. As we were walking through the gates I had this feeling we were in a movie, another scene from our very own romantic comedy. I could see us both nervously walking through the gates, clutching sweaty palms, walking towards another milestones that represents our ever expanding world of grown-up-ness.

Just a year ago we were both in such different stages and not even together, and now here we were sitting in a room filled with strange pregnant bellies waiting for a lovely woman to tell us it is all going to be okay. Unfortunately we couldn't stay for the entire session, thanks to this nasty stomach bug.

But all in all it was a wonderful experience, the two of us embracing this journey towards parenthood together. In truth we are walking the path slowly and carefully. I think we are both careful to not lose ourselves, as individuals and as a couple. The idea of losing what we are for each other is probably the thing that scares us most about becoming parents.

This entire experience is definitely changing me, changing us, in subtle ways all the time. I am trying my best to keep a handle on the range of emotions that seem to fly through me daily and not let the wave overwhelm me because no one likes a bumbling mess of tears!

To my wonderful husband: I love you more everyday and I am so happy to be going through this experience with you.

Its a New Year

2012 ended with the momentous occasion of our wedding. It was amazing, simple, true, beautiful and beyond anything we could imagine. The wind did not blow (although everyone warned me it would), it was not too hot, the pastor was on time, I was late - all was as it should be :)

After 2 days on our own, to let the fact that we were indeed married (whoop whoop!), we were back at work for 3 days before the onslaught of the silly season. We had our first Christmas together and my first Christmas without my mom, our first New Years together and my first New Years being sober. To be honest I think it was all a bit much for us - one life changing event after the other.  I only came out of shell shock and recovery on 6 January, the day before we were due to return to work. It suddenly hit me how much I love this man I married and how excited I am for our little one to arrive.

Onto the next chapter

But there is no rest for those of us who wish to grasp the whole of life with both hands and so it is time to start tackling that baby room and making a home for our little one. I wont lie, it does have an air of "overwhelming" to it. There is so much to learn, to prepare for.

Being the only mother in my circle of friends I don't have first-hand knowledge and experience in my close circle leaving me feeling somewhat out of my depth. But I have googled and gathered everyone's tips and must-do's so I think I have a handle on it.

Here is nice list of things that almost everyone has mentioned at one time or another that are must haves for the baby room:

1. Comfy feeding chair (that you wont mind sleeping in) that has  a table with a drawer near-by filled with healthy snacks, a book to read 
2. extra seating for family and friends to be able to sit with you while you tackle those feeding times
3. Shelves above your compactum for things that you will need at hand and in easy reach
4. A heater fan to keep little one warm after bath time (it also provides good white noise when the heat is not on)
5. A chest that can double as storage and extra seating for all those visitors
6. A bouncy chair so baba can be kept safe when you want to wash a dish or yourself!
7. Two changing mats, you just never know
8. A night light or fairy lights to create ambient lighting for you when feeding in the middle of the night
9. Lots of baskets to hold all the little things that you will want to get your hands on quickly and easily

Blue or Pink?

Everyone we speak to is so surprised by the fact that we are keeping the sex a surprise. I love the excitement, the wondering, the anticipation. I also love the fact that I cannot superimpose any expectations or visions of what this littler person is going to be like - leaving him or her with a clean slate to come into this world with.

When it comes to nurseries I am absolutely adoring the simple, warm and neutral colours so I am happy to make the nursery up like so, with no sign of the obvious blue or pink themes or even worse yellow and green.

Here are some pics that encapsulate the kind of nursery I would like to create: