7 Things Parenthood Has Taught Me About Life

I cannot believe that this Friday we will be celebrating one year of being parents to our amazing, happy, adventurous little mite that we call Chloe.

This past year has seen me breakdown too many times to count. It has lost count of the tears that have fallen for my own mother, for the person I used to be, and for the person I am becoming. It has tested my marriage and my idea of marriage more than once. It has confused me, bewitched me and drastically changed my outlooks on life, friendship and relationships.

Here are the 7 things I learnt during my first year of being a parent. I am sure there will be many, many more in the years to come.

1.       Slow down

Never before have I been so tested in this area. Anyone who knew me before Chloe will attest to my impatient, head-on approach to life. Becoming a parent has taught me the beautiful and subtle art of taking things slow, of making space for time to flow smoothly and slowly. It has taught me to enjoy a quiet moment sitting on the floor just watching her, whilst feeling the importance and impermanence of the moment.

2.       Value peace

Over all else. No more chasing the next big moment, the next big adventure. I now choose the still, the quiet, the simple. When once I believed the chaos, the intrigue and the drama equaled a life that was full, interesting and worthwhile I now understand that they were merely distractions pulling me away from a life of meaning, a life of worth.

3.       Happiness is unfulfilling

I have come to realise how shallow the pursuit of happiness is. I have come to a new realisation that meaning and purpose are far more rewarding and teach me far more about myself than happiness ever could. Happiness is fleeting, dependent on outside circumstance; meaning has a depth and force that can sustain true fulfillment and joy.

4.       Being soft is a strength

I used to be a fighter, I used to be fierce. I still am. But I am also now a softy. I no longer see softness and vulnerability as a weakness within myself. That softness and vulnerability allows me a tenderness and love with my daughter that just cannot be borne from strength and independence (traits I once held in such high esteem).

5.       There is no time for bullshit

This is something I thought I understood before, but I understand it and practice it even better now (with more improvements to come). I no longer spend much time lamenting over things/people/events I cannot change. Being opinionated about something does not mean …well anything. I now focus on what I put in, asking myself questions such as, “Is this positive? Is it constructive? Does it add value to my life or the people I love?”

6.       Families have a soul

A family is more than the sum of its parts – it somehow takes on a life form of its own, breathing and changing and growing. The health of that soul depends on the relationships and dynamics between each of the individuals. That soul is greater than me, or my husband or my daughter. It will shape the future of us all and for generations to come. It is sacred and it is to be fought for with everything I have.

7.       Being grateful does not tempt fate

I used to be in a perpetual state of waiting, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for everything to fall apart around me. I often played down my success, my happiness for fear of tempting fate. Now I rejoice in my happiness. I am grateful multiple times a day and send a word of thank to the universe. I show appreciation because I know it will keep coming to me if I keep welcoming it with open arms.

I have found a peace through being a wife and a mother that I never imagined would be possible. I have found my place in this world; I have a sense of purpose that has spilled over to all other areas of my life. It is an overwhelming thing, a thing that makes me incredibly proud and grateful.

To my husband and to my daughter – thank you for choosing me. For choosing me to be in your lives, to be your friend, to be your confidante, to be your partner in this crazy beautiful world. 

Mommy does NOT always know best

“Mommy knows best” ~ a quote that I am sure we have all heard at one time or another. I am however struck by the notion that this is not always true, at least not all the time, in all situations. It seems to me that this notion has bestowed moms with some kind of divinity, as though the mere fact of bearing a child has precluded them from infallibility and has made them all knowing. And some women have really taken this to heart. You know the kind … no one can tell her anything about being a mom that she doesn’t already know, no one can hold the baby just right, or burb her just right, or change her just right.   

Motherhood is an emotionally complex & often fraught role. It can be seen as the single most important relationship you will have in your lifetime. That’s a lot of pressure. You obviously want to do it “right”, be the one mother in all of history that does not fuck up her kids.

I hate to break it to you, but there is no “right”. There is no ONE way that is the right way, all of the time. Just because you are a mom does not mean you know best, all the time, in every situation. And I think deep down even the most self-assured mom knows this and perhaps that air of righteousness is a way of protecting her own vulnerability, her own infallibility.

Sometimes I wonder whether I was blessed by having PND. It was humbling to say the least. It knocked out any sense of lofty righteousness I might have felt being a mother. In fact it made me feel inferior as a mother, made me feel useless and completely unable to connect with motherhood. It meant that I never felt like I knew it all, I never felt that I was super mom. 

Struggling with PND meant that there was enough space for my husband to develop his own relationship with our daughter. I didn’t hang onto the notion that he wasn’t doing it my way, I was just so darn grateful that he was doing it ANY way that allowed me to sleep.

To this day I am grateful for that. Even now at 11 months old, you can see the incredibly unique and special relationship that my husband and daughter have. He still has a magic touch with her, he can settle her from hysterically crying to calm in less than 5 minutes. And I firmly believe this is because they had the time to figure each other out. I did not insist on settling her every time, I did not insist on being the one to change her, burb her. In fact my husband did the bulk of the diaper changes, the burping and the rocking when he was home.

Sometimes being the perfect mom, the “super mom” is not the best thing. You get in the way of the rest of your family developing unique and fulfilling relationships with your child and you miss out on the opportunity to learn and grow as a mother (because believe you me you do not know it all, no one ever does!) On top of it you run the risk of becoming resentful that you have to do everything because your partner just never does it right. 

So in a strange way I am grateful for PND – it humbled me and made me realise from the start that I do not always know best.

My advice to any new mom would be to bite your tongue and stay out of it when your partner, mother, aunty is not doing it right. If you have to, leave the house. Allow them the opportunity to get to know each other, on their own terms, in their own time, in their own way. Their relationship is not supposed to be the same as yours. It supposed to unique and special and private, just for them. Allow them that. Allow your child, partner and family this wonderful experience. 

It is a lesson I am still learning as anyone who has not babysat my child will know ;)

daddy pulling moves mommy would never do

enjoying a private giggle with mommy's friends

Why having a kid makes couples unhappier. And why I think that is a good thing.

I have recently read two studies recently that claimed to unpack the recipes for a happy marriage. Being recently married I find articles like this interesting since having a lifelong happy marriage is of paramount importance to me. The latest one is aptly titled:  The Science Behind a Happy Marriage. It was shared on a colleagues facebook page with the following outtake: “Basically don’t have kids if you want a happy marriage.” Now that stopped me, being parents of one gorgeous 9 month old I couldn’t help but stop to examine this fact. Has having a baby made us unhappier?

Since becoming parents we have noticed a distinct pattern in how friends relate to us. There is a look of pity when we politely decline yet another spontaneous braai invitation, or when we turn down that last drink since we have to be up early in the morning. They give us that smile of condolences as they tell us about the latest beach bar they attended as VIP’s. They sigh at our insistence that we do indeed have to go because we want our baby girl to fall asleep in her bed. They sit on their lofty child-free, admin-free, restriction-free thrones and smile smugly that they have not been duped into the “kid thing”. I know they firmly believe that having children will impede upon their happiness.

Truthfully our lives have significantly changed since Chloe joined us in this world. We don’t go out to clubs, in fact we generally don’t socialise at night unless we go solo. We wake up early, even on weekends. We evaluate restaurants by their kid friendliness. We are bound by sleep schedules. We don’t travel too far since Chloe hates long boring trips of sitting still. We are not as free as we used to be. And yes, there are times when I just want to be hands-free, child-free and responsibility-free. There are times where I don’t get to connect with my husband as much as I would like to. There are times when my brain is so tired, my body is worn and I long for silence. Instead of carefree conversations till two in the morning we talk about our responsibilities, sleep patterns, feeding patterns and poop patterns. We go to bed early because we have to be up early. So yes in that respect we are unhappier.

But I can confidently say that our lives have been made sweeter by Chloe. In every single way.  We may not be as happy and care-free as we used to be but our lives have been injected with so much more meaning. We now feel an overwhelming sense of pride that makes our eyes sting. We appreciate every moment ten times more than we ever did before Chloe. We feel the weight of time and of life as we experience love on a level that you just cannot experience before you have a child.

Instead of sharing drunken conversations in a crowded bar we share the joy of a wave splashing over her tiny toes and that gorgeous giggle escaping her lips. Instead of sharing a morning hungover, we share cuddles and laughter in bed. Instead of sharing an overpriced steak at a restaurant we share a home cooked meal eaten in the garden. Instead of wiling away the day watching series, we languish in a park showing Chloe flowers and watching her delight in the simple act of watching a dog.

We spend less time on phones, and more time outside. We spend less time watching TV and more time making memories. We spend less time drinking and more time laughing. We spend less time on the couch more time on the floor reading and playing.

We are constantly amazed and surprised by the amount of love and joy we can experience. We are far more conscious of our actions, our emotions and our impact on this world. And this is far more important and fulfilling than mere happiness.

So I can confidently say that having a child has made us unhappier as a couple and in turn has given our lives far more meaning and provided a sense of fulfillment that happiness will never live up to.

What unhappy looks like

Why parents are so exhausted. And its not because of lack of sleep.

Parenting is EXHAUSTING. The kind of exhausting that wears you down to your bones. Its a constant, mind numbing exhaustion that sleep cannot cure.

I remember when I was pregnant and parents would look at me with that LOOK. Anyone that is or has been pregnant knows that look. It's the one that is vaguely condescending and all-knowing. They would look and me and smirk, "Enjoy your sleep while you can." And I thought, what a dumb thing to say. I understand I am not going to get sleep for a while, duh...I'm having a baby. What they should have said is, "Enjoy feeling like a whole human, rested and peaceful as you will never feel like this again." That would have made a lot more sense.

We have been very fortunate that Chloe started sleeping through at 5 and a half months. A solid 11.5 hours a day she is asleep. I could not be more grateful. Granted we barely slept for the first 3 months and the next 2 months were not much better. So I know what it is to not sleep. (My husband is still scarred from the experience of seeing what that does to me.) But I wasn't quite prepared for the mental and emotional exhaustion that comes hand in hand with being a parent. And this I fear is never ending.

What, you ask, is so tiring about being a parent? Here is a tiny slice of my internal dialogue and activities needed as I prepare to leave the house.

~ Right let's go.
~ Where's the sunblock? Search through the baby bag, my bag, the bedroom. Locate the sunblock under the couch. Smear sunblock on squirming baby that believes sunblock is edible body butter. Don't eat that. Don't eat that. Seriously Chloe Bear, DO NOT EAT THAT.
~ Right, now where is that darn hat? I really need to get another hat. I hate looking for the ONE hat that fits her head. Search through the baby bag, search through my bag, search her room. Find the hat in the toy box in the lounge. Okay Bear let's put the hat on. Yes, I know you hate the hat but don't pull it off. Don't pull it off. Seriously Bear just keep the hat ON.
~ Nappies. Check. Wet wipes check.
~ Wait, let me take a blanket for shade in case the sun is too hot.
~ I better take a jersey in case it gets cold.
~ Let me take extra clothes in case she takes her sippy cup and shakes it all over the place because she loves the feeling of water falling on to her skin. 
~ Better pack a snack and lunch in case we are longer than expected. Open the freezer, try to crack out a few blocks of frozen home made food, that has been peeled, chopped, steamed and mashed. Cant get the blocks out. Take a knife and stab at the blocks. Throw the tray on the counter as hard as I can. Blocks fall on the floor. Sigh. Wash the blocks (whats a bit of dust?) Find a tupperware.
Where is the lid for this dam thing? Seriously, I hate tupperware - why are you always short a lid? Find a new tupperware, one that has a lid. 
~ Spoon, bib. Check.
~ Okay right, we are ready.
~ Wait, where is my phone? Search my bag, the baby bag, my room. Find the phone in the couch cushion.
~ Right, ready.
~ Grab the car seat. Put the baby in. One, two...three! Baby in. One arm in, Chloe give me your arm, give....good girl.
~ Okay, my bag, baby bag. Car seat with baby in. Ready.
~ Oh wait, sippy cup. Grab the cup, put fresh water in it. Where is the lid? Oh god dammit! Find the lid in the sink. Put the cup in the bag.
~ Okay, seriously now we are late. Let's go.
~ Put the car seat in the car. Keys in the ignition. Oh wait, I better get a snack for the car otherwise she is going to scream the whole way. Back in the house, grab a snack. Lock. Back in the car. 
~ Okay Bear, ADVENTURE TIME! 
~ Please don't scream at mommy. It's just a short ride. 
~ Here, have a fling.

And that is just to leave the house.

So the next time you ask us if we want to pop round for lunch and we arrive looking haggard and a little harassed and you just cant understand why we looking so tired since you know very well that Chloe is sleeping through... now you know.

Being a parent is exhausting. It is constant. Every waking moment you are thinking of your child, what they need, what they might need, and how everything will impact them.

But as exhausting as it is, it is the most joyful thing I have ever experienced. You have spent the day carrying, packing, fishing stones out of mouths, fishing leaves out of mouths, cleaning bums, cleaning floors, cleaning mouths, cleaning hands, picking up, putting down, singing, shushing, walking, bouncing and you finally put the little one to bed, make dinner, eat dinner, say hi to your husband, sit on the couch and you sigh a sigh of relief that the day is over. All you want to do is lie in bed and read your book. You are two pages in when you hear that fateful sound of a baby waking up and you know that the past 40 minutes was merely a power nap and she will be up for the next 4 hours. You sigh, you get up and get dressed. Put the lights back on. You walk into that room with a heavy heart but then she looks up at you and beams that huge wonderful all encompassing smile and it all washes away. Those tiny arms go up as she implores you to pick her up and cuddle her. She nuzzles her face to yours, holds you close and gives you a good old lick which is her equivalent of a kiss. She pulls back, looks you in the eye and smiles and you know you will do anything for her.

Becoming a parent is the most wonderful awful thing I have ever done. It fills me up in a way I never imagined. It has made my life so much bigger, made my heart so much bigger. And of course has made me more tired than I ever imagined.

The smile that lights up my life