Because sometimes only a Cappuccino & Chocolate Croissant will do...

For the sake of those around me I have indulged in my ultimate treats - a decaf frothy delicious cappuccino paired with a flaky, soft, thick and indulgent chocolate croissant.

You know I am under the weather when you see these two items on my desk. Usually just the cappuccino will do the trick but today I needed a double dose of decadence to entice a smile onto my face.

The desire to be at home nesting is growing stronger everyday. It is making the world outside that bubble seem hectic, overwhelming and unnecessary.  It seems this little baby is changing me already, definitely making me softer and more sensitive. I used to be a ball-breaker at work and now a few harsh and bitchy words reduce me to tears. When I told the hubby about the incident he said, "A year ago you would have torn that bitch to pieces." And it is true but now I just want to play nice, get through my day without any drama - WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME BABA?!

But I like it :) I like being softer, gentler, nicer. All those walls I built up around me, projecting nothing but hard-ass is tough work! Its easier being less aggressive but when someone is aggressive with me I am caught unawares and those words cut straight through the now non-existent walls hence the chocolate croissant & cappuccino this morning.

All I know is that it is a long weekend - thank goodness. I can finish up the nursery, spend some time with my bestie, have long baths, read a book and go to yoga and leave the chaotic world behind for just a few days.

3 more weeks of working life - counting the days...

Let the Dreams Begin

So I had my first child related nightmare last night.

In my dream I had given birth to our little baba. The very next scene I am walking down the street with a colleague of mine as we walk to a job. I was telling her about buying breast pads (yip, I have bought breast pads - so charming!) and telling her this triggered some distant memory...Oh yes, I had given birth. And then the questions started to run through my head at a rapid pace...Did I look at my child? Had I fed her/him? I realised I had done neither of these things. I turned around and started pumping my legs as fast as they would go to get back home as soon as I could.

It was horrifying but I suspect it is the first of many panic stricken dreams where I am underachieving as a mom. With 5 weeks to go, (if I go full term - the doctor said I should prepare for an early delivery) the thought that there will actually be a tiny human being in my arms is starting to become real, very REAL.

Now it doesn't take a Freud major to see how my mind is still trying to transition from working professional to new mom; how the reality of the baby is still unreal despite carrying this little one inside of me and feeling every little movement, hiccup, elbow and foot. I have heard other parents say that you can never really prepare, once they put that tiny human in your arms your whole world turns upside down and nothing is ever the same.

I look forward to this new phase of our lives, and learning how to be a parent with my partner in crime (possibly the best husband in the world and I just know he will be an even better father!) We spent most of the weekend buying the last bits and bobs for the baba and when I say bits and bobs I mean we spent a small fortune on our credit cards...ouch! My bestie and I tackled painting the feature wall of the nursery which now looks like a complete mess but once i can put everything in its final place I think it will look just perfect (pictures to follow from before, during and then after).

So we should be all wrapped up and ready to rumble in 2 weeks. And then? And then there is nothing left to do but wait for this massive event that will change us for the rest our lives.

Having it all...?

This is something that I am struggling with - an internal tug of war going on inside me. I'm not sure that statement is true at all. I think it is a myth perpetuated by media. I don't think there is a win-win situation, I think there is always a loss happening somewhere. I think it is all about minimising the loss so that it is not detrimental to either party, baba or mama.

One part of me already wants to be at home, preparing for the baba's arrival, washing everything, arranging the room, packing away the cloths, re-organsing the house to accommodate our new family member. I want to take walks on the beach, sleep too long and generally be at home and nest.  Instead I put on a cute outfit and head to the office.

I think about when the baby finally makes his/her arrival (I am 32 weeks pregnant at the moment and every day feels like a week!) and what I will want to do. In truth, I want to be able to have the option to stay home. I already get jealous of the imaginary people that will look after my baby while I go to the office to type out briefs that add no real value to the state of the nation, or to my soul. I want to be this little person's world, create a bubble of love and family. This I know will mean something, add value, potentially improve the world for the better.

The other part of me hears the directors preparing for my leaving, leaving me out of conversations and I cant help but I feel a pang of "left out-ness". My value, my opinion, my input is already being overlooked and I am still here. I have to push this feeling of ... I'm not sure what it is but I think it something to close to shame...down and remember the bigger picture.

I have tied my identity to the praise I receive at work. I worked hard as a young girl, achieving A's at school. It got me recognised, it got me some attention and it gave me a "thing", a sense of place in this world. I went to university straight after school and continued to push. Having a career was something that my family did not do, for various reasons. My mom had to give up any thought of a career when she fell pregnant with me at 18 and I watched her toil away in a job she hated for most of her life and I was determined not to be the same.

So at 30 I have a successful career path set out in front of me. But now that I have it I'm not sure what it is worth. Did I tie my identity to something worthless merely for the fact that I did want to end up in the same position as my mother? I know I am good at it, but does being good at something mean you should spend your time on earth doing it?

I do think my desire to be a full time mother is stronger than my need to find praise and worth from work. Its a new thought, one I had never considered before but it is growing in strength as I inch closer to due date. That being said, you never know how you will feel once you take an aspect of your life away, especially one that has been such a strong driving force for so long.

So the questions become...Can I give up my worker identity? Can I give up the independence of earning my own cash? Can I give up that feeling of accomplishment and reward I get from work? Can I put our family under the crunch when it comes to money? Can I put the pressure on my husband to earn enough for us both?

I certainly don't have the answers but I am hoping that when the time comes the path forward is crystal clear. That my feelings will be so strong that I wont be able to do anything else.