I’ve got my
headphones in, head bopping up and down … carving out a zen spot in the middle
of a world that I no longer connect to...
I have
discovered that I no longer feed off the chaos, the stress of working in a fast
paced advertising world. I no longer have the need to prove my worth, to
succeed in this jungle of brand success where the air permeates with the stench
of self-importance. It all seems ridiculous to me now. I sit here watching people
tie their self-worth to another person’s company, watching them link their self-worth
to how busy they are, watch them brag about how they don’t have time to eat,
pee or generally do anything that doesn’t involve work (as though this is an
achievement!) If you can tear yourself away from your busy cycle I suggest you
read this great article that really gets into this idea of the Busyness Trap
that so many people I know are stuck in: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/?_r=0
I used to
be one of these people trapped in the busy cycle. When I found myself at home
with a tiny baby I craved this world, I felt lost at sea without it. I had to
push through this “withdrawal period” and it took me considerable time but in the
end I found new ways to fill my days, new occupations to feed my brain, a new
community where I could connect and reflect. And just as soon as I had found
this new groove where life was fulfilling, full and worthy I returned to work
to find that the luster is now dull and the promises empty. Sometimes I want to scream: IT’S ALL BOLLOCKS
PEOPLE! WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS MEANINGLESS! GO HOME AND DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE
WITH YOUR LIVES. But instead I sit here, just like the rest of the zombies and
try to make myself look busy in the hope that I can get home with enough energy
to enjoy my daughter.
Am I overly
cynical, jaded and negative about this? Probably. I miss my freedom, my time
with Chloe, being amazed by her daily progress, seeing friends, late lunches,
walks on the beach. Let’s face it – life is good as a stay at home mom. Yes there
are other stresses, yes that little bundle of joy can drive you nuts, you dream
of structure and adult conversation but in the end being at home with your
little one beats working in a corporate office any day – hands down! On the
flip side if I loved what I did and had fun I would most likely have a
different opinion here.
I do hope I
find more purpose in what I am doing otherwise the next 5 months of working
here are going to be a long dreary painful experience. One thing I will give
this place is that the people are nice. No matter how pompous the title is I have
found them to be humble, relaxed and intelligent. And that is something I am
hoping I can derive some pleasure from… working with people like that, learning
from them.
One thing I
must share for any mom who is returning to work and wondering how it will
affect your relationship with your little one – it doesn’t. I feel just as much
a mom as I did when I was home with her all day. Every day when I arrive home her
tiny face lights up and she kicks those perfectly chubby legs with joy. You are
no less a mother for working. No nanny can ever replace you or chip away at the
bond you have with your baby. In fact, ignore everything else I have said today
and focus on that one tiny, all-encompassing fact.
