Quelling the Fears

When people ask how things are going with the pregnancy and all of the life changes that are occurring right now I dont often tell them the whole truth. Whilst there is a lot of joy, peace and happiness and I probably feel the best I have ever felt I am also TERRIFIED.

I have been trying to articulate what exactly I am afraid of and I thought that  by writing my fears down I may be able to calm the deep waters and do the last bit of embracing and letting go.

So here we go...

Escaping Caesars Palace

 

Some of my fear has stemmed from feeling out of control of the situation and by "the situation" I mean, actually giving birth!

When I was 8 weeks pregnant I was ushered into private obstetrician care as all good southern suburbs mommy-to-be's do. She was nice, friendly and recommended. I was in the system with 1000's of others and felt relieved. I saw photo's of my little one every time I saw her in her clean and crisp room. But something felt off, like this was a nicely lit and well orchestrated cover for the meat market I was actually in. I have since learnt that the hospital I was booked into is aptly called "Caesars Palace" and that my doctor has a Caesar rate of over 95%. So my fears that I would end up being "persuaded" into having a C-Section with the use of a lot of scary terms that I did not understand were true.

I have since made some changes to my care giving process and am happily with a midwife. Honestly, I had no idea midwives still existed and that it was even option. The name midwife conjures up images of women giving birth in the middle of dusty fields while picking potatoes. This is however not the case. Midwives advocate natural birth (something not a lot of women consider as an option anymore); they focus on the holistic experience i.e. how is the mother doing both physically and emotionally. They focus on the fact that natural birth is not an anomaly but is in fact wait for it...NATURAL and can be the most beautiful, rewarding and enriching experience both a man and a woman can ever experience.

I might add that this warm and cheery woman spent half an hour chatting to me about all the possibilities, gave me her cellphone number to sms her anytime and said she would email me some support material to read. Did I mention that she does not charge 400% of medical aid rates? I feel like I have won some battle; with the birth of my first child now firmly in my grasp I feel victorious and far more excited about the upcoming 14 weeks.

Introducing mommy-Charisse

 

Now that the birth is covered I fast-forward to being a first time mom. What will it be like? How hard can it be? Will I cope? My biggest fear is that Andre will come home to a cute sleeping baby but a crying wife with dirty disheveled hair, puffy and spotty face, unbrushed teeth, wearing an old tracksuit that is covered in baby puke. Any hope of conversation is replaced with an endless monologue of crying and moaning about how awful it is, how useless I am, how tired I am. Even now I shudder - is it possible that I will transform into this wreck of myself never to return to the calm, confident woman I am now?

When I ask mothers this question with a pleading look of fear and hope in my eye they respond with an oddly critical stare as though they are sizing me up, trying to measure my threshold for the strains of motherhood. No one has been able to give me any reassurance that this is not my fate. Let's face it, it could happen, there is that distinct possibility. 

What can I do to quell this fear? Nothing I guess...Hope like hell I don't find it all that difficult. Draw on the support of anyone and everyone I know. And, since not one of my friends has had a baby before, join a new mommy group for some sanity and camaraderie. Accept that I will have bad days and good days. Hold on to the knowledge that it will get better with every passing day.

Keeping it Hot

My final real fear is a selfish one. How will being parents affect our relationship? We have no idea how it will affect us; we know it will affect us and it will change a lot but those are just words and by no means any indication of what the future holds. This is a tough one. There are no answers really.

We have to keep talking and not just about the baby. We have to keep to our date nights and accept the use of any and all (okay, maybe not all) offers of babysitting help. Trust in our love. Be supportive and patient with one another and accept that we are both going to be finding our way slowly but surely. Stay close. Hug lots. Talk some more. Laugh. Try and enjoy it and not take it so darn seriously!


So now I have whittled the fears down to three concerns. I have conquered one and the other two...well it seems like I am just going to have a little faith, keep my sense of humour and remember that I am loved by many people who will understand and do their best to love me still even when I am snotty nosed and covered in baby puke...