Rock Star Pregnant Lady

This is how I felt yesterday.

A little summary of how the day went: I got up nice and early and put on a slinky black skirt and top with a pair high heels. Yes, I am one of those lucky pregnant women that is carrying tightly in the front and nowhere else so all my usual clothes still fit - hooray! My feet have also not swollen at all so my heels still fit and I have my balance so I can actually walk in them too - bonus!

I headed off to meet the CEO, MD and CD of my company where we would present a 2 hour presentation to a board of investment gurus. The outcome of the meeting will determine whether my agency will be awarded R15 million. Its been a while since I was in a boardroom like that. I have gotten used to my chilled corner of the office, coming to work in dresses and sandals and generally not doing anything of high stress or of too much consequence. So it was nice to know I still have it, I can still par with investment geeks and people with over 30 years in advertising experience.

After I was done presenting, I sat in a glow with my hand on my belly and chatted silently to the baby. Thanking him/ her for helping mommy kick some butt and congratulating him/her on their first successful boardroom meeting.

After a successful presentation (the outcome of whether we will win the account is still to be decided but we were happy with our performance) I met my sexy-as-hell husband at our appointment with the midwife. We got to hold hands and listen to the very happy and healthy heartbeat of our little 31 week old baba. We also got the good news that our little one had turned head down so was definitely getting ready to launch - I just knew our little angle would get full marks!

We chatted about our home birth and made all of our last appointments. The time is nearing. I am getting so excited I could pee in my pants (although that could be the baby pressing on my bladder!)

I got to kiss my husband in the middle of the day, on a week day, what a treat :) We really are disgustingly in love. We wouldnt have it any other way! He is off on a working weekend until Sunday so I am on my own for 5 days - been a very long time since I did not have him by my side, showering me in kisses and cuddles.

A quick trip back to the office, only to be complimented on my sexy number and how could I am looking - all at 31 weeks pregnant too. Why thank you :). I managed to finish up my excel spreadsheet and find time to walk barefoot down to the beach. Our office is located right by Muizenberg beach front and we often don't take the time to properly enjoy it. But yesterday was a stunner. The sea was crystal blue, with very little wave action going on, making for a surreal Thailand-like day that brought such a sense of peace to me. Although I couldn't go full rock star and have a swim I did hike the skirt up as far as it would go and spend time languishing in the thigh-high crystal blue water.

Then it was off to a client meeting with my sandy feet back in high heels. Meeting went smoothly and finished up quickly allowing me to skip traffic and be home by 5pm.

Instead of going to gym I decided to indulge. I lay on my bed with my belly exposed relishing in the cool breeze that was blowing through our bedroom door. I watched girly series and ate chocolate. Followed by an indulgent bath with oils and bubbles. I even managed to fit in some meditation with a focus on connecting with baba. It is incredible, astounding and awe-inspiring how much the baby responds to these exercises. Its like she is dancing around in there having the time of her life. Such a surge of happiness to know that we are so closely connected.

I had a solid 9 hours of sleep. People are surprised that I am still sleeping so well. I am just grateful!

So all in all I felt like a rock star pregnant lady yesterday.

As for today? Well I wish I could have just stayed in bed...I should get the rest of the week off just for yesterday...

Graduation!

We had our last antenatal class last night - what a sigh of relief! I felt so excited watching the clock tick down to 9pm; I imagined the bell ringing and all of us running outside and throwing  nappies in the air to celebrate graduation from the class. It wasn't quite like that...go figure.

The hubby and I were talking afterwards about the merits and demerits of the antenatal classes. Now from my limited experience I understand that there was a great need for honest information that told you about the possible pitfalls of pregnancy, brith, breastfeeding and motherhood in general. I remember watching Oprah years ago and women were talking about how they felt fooled because everyone sold them this idyllic image of motherhood and when it didn't turn out like that they were crushed and felt like abnormal failures. Enter antenatal classes...which offer a much more realistic view of what could happen, what to watch out for, to ensure you don't feel alone when the tough gets going.

It was exactly for this reason I signed us up for the class, we had no idea what to expect. But after almost every single class (there were 6 in the course) I cried. I didn't walk out feeling bad or overwhelmed or anything negative really but somehow an hour or two later I was crying and feeling panicky. I was not scared about the actual birth but had huge anxiety about I was going to cope, how our relationship would survive, how we would afford everything etc. I certainly didn't have the rainbows and rose petals picture in my head that needed a dose of reality. I started to question where all this latent anxiety about being a new mom was coming from.

When I thought back to all the shows and movies I have seen over the past few years I saw a montage of fighting couples, a tired and crying mom, covered in milk vomit, unwashed and unhappy. Their friends look at them with pity as their lives stop to revolve around a baby, no longer able to have fun, laugh, be with friends or be a normal human being.

People I meet relish in telling me how tired I will be, how I will never have time to myself, my relationship will suffer, nothing will ever be the same, prepare to never leave the house - the list of things I have to look forward to go on and on.

When did motherhood become so negative? Sure, I know these things will happen, there will be huge adjustments and I also understand that I wont undertstand how huge these will be and how they will affect me until it actually happens. I get it. Trust me. I have panicked about it, cried about it and imagined the worst. Why people think that is helpful, I have no idea.

What happened to Congratulations! Having children is a blessing, there is so much joy and love you have to look forward to...? The barrage of negativity that has come my way from experts, colleagues and practically every person I meet (besides my wonderful friends who think this is going to be wonderful and they really do see unicorns and rainbows!) is overwhelming. Hence the massive relief upon graduating from the class - no more talk about how hard it is all going to be!

I now have 2 months to imagine the best, the wonderful., the laughter, the joy. I have the knowledge sitting in the back of my head but honestly it is time for some bloody unicorns and rainbows!

Taking the Pressure Off

Its been a tumultuous two or three weeks, hence the silence on the blog. In fact, its been an all round  blackout. When times of mental strain are upon me I tend to crawl into my hole, reply sparsely to smses and avoid human contact where possible.

Its amazing what our minds can do to us. My mind was filled with lists of things we needed to get, of the things we just wouldn't be able to survive without, the list of bills we would need to cover on one salary, the pros and cons of either staying home or going back to work.

STOP!

My brain literally exploded. It came running out of my eyes, my mouth and my nose. My body shook, my heart hammered. I felt sick. There was just absolutely no way we could do this.

My husband held me close to him. I didn't understand how he was not feeling like this, not feeling the crushing weight of the responsibilities to come, the unknown. The fact that he didn't feel this way made me feel like I should stress and worry enough for two people. Gosh, I really got myself into a spiral that was entirely unhelpful and distracting me from all the good in our lives.

I am happy to say that moment of panic has passed. I have let go of a lot of what I thought we "needed". The truth is we don't NEED those things, all baba is going to need is a warm spot between mama and papa and the goodness that will eventually leak, spurt and dribble from my boobs. The rest...well it will come.

I went into Exclusive Books the other day to look for the Baby Sense book (which I just had to get, apparently). I opened it to a random page and saw a column saying something like "hold object 27cm from baby's face..." I immediately closed it and put it down. I don't need any more instruction manuals, lists of things to do and don't do. When did loving and taking care of your baby become so complicated?!


I just want to feel and stop thinking, feel the joy and excitement, and let the wonderment take me over when the baby comes, let my instincts and love be the forerunner of how I care for our baby, not a list or a book.

That being said I did get one book: How not to F*&% them up! It speaks about how embracing your own style of parenting is the best thing you can do for your child. Now this I find useful so I am reading it slowly and in between my own fun books that are about dragons and magic and have nothing to do with poop, stimulation, sleeping cycles etc.

I now know that my approach is not like others and I am okay with that. I brush off the looks of judgement, worry, horror on people's faces when I answer a question about how we are approaching the arrival of our little one. In fact, I would prefer not to talk about how we will parent or what decision we will make about childcare. I end up having to politely smile and nod, and hopefully tune out, as people start giving me their opinions, which sound a lot more like facts if you ask me.

We are going to do this our way; you may judge, snicker behind my back as much as you like, think that we are nuts but at the end of the day every single is person is different and parenting comes down to finding what works for you, what makes you feel happy and mostly guilt-free as well as ensuring the needs of your child are met enabling you to tune in to your baby and give it as much love as you can. You are not wrong on how you choose to approach parenthood and neither am I.

And all of this is before I have even mentioned I am plan to give birth at home...then the eyebrows really rise....

<chuckle chuckle>

The Crash

It had to happen... the proverbial crash, meltdown, collapse - whatever you want to call it. I am in the aftermath now, bleary eyed, humourless, exhausted. Somehow the realisation of everything that is happening and everything that will happen has hit. And it has hit hard.

I am a mother.

Now, some people may disagree since my child does not appear outside of my body but for all emotional and psychological purposes I am a mother. This realisation (one that should be obvious by the belly that is growing on me)  hit me yesterday.

I decided to take a time-out from the day to do some relaxation breathing, sending my thoughts to the child in my womb, saying hi, sending reassuring messages and overall just bonding with this little being. My hands rested lightly on my belly and I couldn't believe the movement I felt coming from within. It was like s/he could feel me and was responding. Tears of joy escaped my closed lids and suddenly all of my own fear about the future disappeared and all I could think of was letting this little one know that there was nothing to be afraid of and that I am so excited to meet him/her.

It was a massive shift for me. I was suddenly very aware of this little life force that already needed to feel loved and secure in my belly. I realised that this little one had the tough journey of making its way into a very scary and unknown world after hours of pushing through a small and dark canal. To be honest, I think the baby will have a tougher time coming out than I will trying to help her/him out. A great sense of peace and purpose overtook me and I went through the day not as one person but distinctly as two people, one which I was holding close.

As quickly as this realisastion struck me there came a slow dawning of the fact that my partner and husband was not and could not feel the same way. Rushing around working, dealing with high stress means his mind is elsewhere. After contributing 12 hours of steadfast focus and stress there is not much room for the rest of the world. This difference meant that the distance between us suddenly felt like a gulf.  Like all of a sudden it was me and the baby on one side and he was on the other. The worst part? He had no clue that this had happened. It was a crushing realisation that sparked a lot of hurt and loneliness on my behalf which resulted in this being transferred to him. Making for an emotional night when what we both needed was rest.

I am not sure how to communicate with anyone how I am feeling. I feel guilt that I cant, guilt for being so emotional, guilt for changing whilst others stay the same. It is as though I am being pulled down a river on a tide of emotional and physiological changes that are taking me away from anything I know or understand .

It is quite isolating and yet I do not feel alone. Now it is me and the baby.


I know that in time I will wash up on the riverbank and everyone will be there waiting for me - they will probably be braaing enjoying some good wine and beer! And I will be overjoyed to join them again. Until then I have to accept that this is a very private journey that only I can fully experience, that is only happening to me, and that it is one that I will emerge from completely changed.

With only 3 months of pregnancy left I want to soak up this miracle that is happening within me and embrace it. I don't want to feel guilty for this private journey or feel anxious that no one can come along with me on it. It is truly an amazing experience, one that I have fallen in love with. I am filled with excitement and joy for the future as my love  for this little being that I have yet to meet face to face grows exponentially.

Quelling the Fears

When people ask how things are going with the pregnancy and all of the life changes that are occurring right now I dont often tell them the whole truth. Whilst there is a lot of joy, peace and happiness and I probably feel the best I have ever felt I am also TERRIFIED.

I have been trying to articulate what exactly I am afraid of and I thought that  by writing my fears down I may be able to calm the deep waters and do the last bit of embracing and letting go.

So here we go...

Escaping Caesars Palace

 

Some of my fear has stemmed from feeling out of control of the situation and by "the situation" I mean, actually giving birth!

When I was 8 weeks pregnant I was ushered into private obstetrician care as all good southern suburbs mommy-to-be's do. She was nice, friendly and recommended. I was in the system with 1000's of others and felt relieved. I saw photo's of my little one every time I saw her in her clean and crisp room. But something felt off, like this was a nicely lit and well orchestrated cover for the meat market I was actually in. I have since learnt that the hospital I was booked into is aptly called "Caesars Palace" and that my doctor has a Caesar rate of over 95%. So my fears that I would end up being "persuaded" into having a C-Section with the use of a lot of scary terms that I did not understand were true.

I have since made some changes to my care giving process and am happily with a midwife. Honestly, I had no idea midwives still existed and that it was even option. The name midwife conjures up images of women giving birth in the middle of dusty fields while picking potatoes. This is however not the case. Midwives advocate natural birth (something not a lot of women consider as an option anymore); they focus on the holistic experience i.e. how is the mother doing both physically and emotionally. They focus on the fact that natural birth is not an anomaly but is in fact wait for it...NATURAL and can be the most beautiful, rewarding and enriching experience both a man and a woman can ever experience.

I might add that this warm and cheery woman spent half an hour chatting to me about all the possibilities, gave me her cellphone number to sms her anytime and said she would email me some support material to read. Did I mention that she does not charge 400% of medical aid rates? I feel like I have won some battle; with the birth of my first child now firmly in my grasp I feel victorious and far more excited about the upcoming 14 weeks.

Introducing mommy-Charisse

 

Now that the birth is covered I fast-forward to being a first time mom. What will it be like? How hard can it be? Will I cope? My biggest fear is that Andre will come home to a cute sleeping baby but a crying wife with dirty disheveled hair, puffy and spotty face, unbrushed teeth, wearing an old tracksuit that is covered in baby puke. Any hope of conversation is replaced with an endless monologue of crying and moaning about how awful it is, how useless I am, how tired I am. Even now I shudder - is it possible that I will transform into this wreck of myself never to return to the calm, confident woman I am now?

When I ask mothers this question with a pleading look of fear and hope in my eye they respond with an oddly critical stare as though they are sizing me up, trying to measure my threshold for the strains of motherhood. No one has been able to give me any reassurance that this is not my fate. Let's face it, it could happen, there is that distinct possibility. 

What can I do to quell this fear? Nothing I guess...Hope like hell I don't find it all that difficult. Draw on the support of anyone and everyone I know. And, since not one of my friends has had a baby before, join a new mommy group for some sanity and camaraderie. Accept that I will have bad days and good days. Hold on to the knowledge that it will get better with every passing day.

Keeping it Hot

My final real fear is a selfish one. How will being parents affect our relationship? We have no idea how it will affect us; we know it will affect us and it will change a lot but those are just words and by no means any indication of what the future holds. This is a tough one. There are no answers really.

We have to keep talking and not just about the baby. We have to keep to our date nights and accept the use of any and all (okay, maybe not all) offers of babysitting help. Trust in our love. Be supportive and patient with one another and accept that we are both going to be finding our way slowly but surely. Stay close. Hug lots. Talk some more. Laugh. Try and enjoy it and not take it so darn seriously!


So now I have whittled the fears down to three concerns. I have conquered one and the other two...well it seems like I am just going to have a little faith, keep my sense of humour and remember that I am loved by many people who will understand and do their best to love me still even when I am snotty nosed and covered in baby puke...

Another Milestone

Today is a strange day for me. It marks quite a few milestones in my life:

1. It has been 1 year since I held my mom's hand as she took her last breath
2. It has been 1 month since I married my Prince Charming
3. I am 25 weeks pregnant today

Top that with the fact that I have a stomach bug and you have one very emotional and tired lady.

Last night we went for our first antenatal class. As we were walking through the gates I had this feeling we were in a movie, another scene from our very own romantic comedy. I could see us both nervously walking through the gates, clutching sweaty palms, walking towards another milestones that represents our ever expanding world of grown-up-ness.

Just a year ago we were both in such different stages and not even together, and now here we were sitting in a room filled with strange pregnant bellies waiting for a lovely woman to tell us it is all going to be okay. Unfortunately we couldn't stay for the entire session, thanks to this nasty stomach bug.

But all in all it was a wonderful experience, the two of us embracing this journey towards parenthood together. In truth we are walking the path slowly and carefully. I think we are both careful to not lose ourselves, as individuals and as a couple. The idea of losing what we are for each other is probably the thing that scares us most about becoming parents.

This entire experience is definitely changing me, changing us, in subtle ways all the time. I am trying my best to keep a handle on the range of emotions that seem to fly through me daily and not let the wave overwhelm me because no one likes a bumbling mess of tears!

To my wonderful husband: I love you more everyday and I am so happy to be going through this experience with you.

Its a New Year

2012 ended with the momentous occasion of our wedding. It was amazing, simple, true, beautiful and beyond anything we could imagine. The wind did not blow (although everyone warned me it would), it was not too hot, the pastor was on time, I was late - all was as it should be :)

After 2 days on our own, to let the fact that we were indeed married (whoop whoop!), we were back at work for 3 days before the onslaught of the silly season. We had our first Christmas together and my first Christmas without my mom, our first New Years together and my first New Years being sober. To be honest I think it was all a bit much for us - one life changing event after the other.  I only came out of shell shock and recovery on 6 January, the day before we were due to return to work. It suddenly hit me how much I love this man I married and how excited I am for our little one to arrive.

Onto the next chapter

But there is no rest for those of us who wish to grasp the whole of life with both hands and so it is time to start tackling that baby room and making a home for our little one. I wont lie, it does have an air of "overwhelming" to it. There is so much to learn, to prepare for.

Being the only mother in my circle of friends I don't have first-hand knowledge and experience in my close circle leaving me feeling somewhat out of my depth. But I have googled and gathered everyone's tips and must-do's so I think I have a handle on it.

Here is nice list of things that almost everyone has mentioned at one time or another that are must haves for the baby room:

1. Comfy feeding chair (that you wont mind sleeping in) that has  a table with a drawer near-by filled with healthy snacks, a book to read 
2. extra seating for family and friends to be able to sit with you while you tackle those feeding times
3. Shelves above your compactum for things that you will need at hand and in easy reach
4. A heater fan to keep little one warm after bath time (it also provides good white noise when the heat is not on)
5. A chest that can double as storage and extra seating for all those visitors
6. A bouncy chair so baba can be kept safe when you want to wash a dish or yourself!
7. Two changing mats, you just never know
8. A night light or fairy lights to create ambient lighting for you when feeding in the middle of the night
9. Lots of baskets to hold all the little things that you will want to get your hands on quickly and easily

Blue or Pink?

Everyone we speak to is so surprised by the fact that we are keeping the sex a surprise. I love the excitement, the wondering, the anticipation. I also love the fact that I cannot superimpose any expectations or visions of what this littler person is going to be like - leaving him or her with a clean slate to come into this world with.

When it comes to nurseries I am absolutely adoring the simple, warm and neutral colours so I am happy to make the nursery up like so, with no sign of the obvious blue or pink themes or even worse yellow and green.

Here are some pics that encapsulate the kind of nursery I would like to create: