Taking the Pressure Off

Its been a tumultuous two or three weeks, hence the silence on the blog. In fact, its been an all round  blackout. When times of mental strain are upon me I tend to crawl into my hole, reply sparsely to smses and avoid human contact where possible.

Its amazing what our minds can do to us. My mind was filled with lists of things we needed to get, of the things we just wouldn't be able to survive without, the list of bills we would need to cover on one salary, the pros and cons of either staying home or going back to work.

STOP!

My brain literally exploded. It came running out of my eyes, my mouth and my nose. My body shook, my heart hammered. I felt sick. There was just absolutely no way we could do this.

My husband held me close to him. I didn't understand how he was not feeling like this, not feeling the crushing weight of the responsibilities to come, the unknown. The fact that he didn't feel this way made me feel like I should stress and worry enough for two people. Gosh, I really got myself into a spiral that was entirely unhelpful and distracting me from all the good in our lives.

I am happy to say that moment of panic has passed. I have let go of a lot of what I thought we "needed". The truth is we don't NEED those things, all baba is going to need is a warm spot between mama and papa and the goodness that will eventually leak, spurt and dribble from my boobs. The rest...well it will come.

I went into Exclusive Books the other day to look for the Baby Sense book (which I just had to get, apparently). I opened it to a random page and saw a column saying something like "hold object 27cm from baby's face..." I immediately closed it and put it down. I don't need any more instruction manuals, lists of things to do and don't do. When did loving and taking care of your baby become so complicated?!


I just want to feel and stop thinking, feel the joy and excitement, and let the wonderment take me over when the baby comes, let my instincts and love be the forerunner of how I care for our baby, not a list or a book.

That being said I did get one book: How not to F*&% them up! It speaks about how embracing your own style of parenting is the best thing you can do for your child. Now this I find useful so I am reading it slowly and in between my own fun books that are about dragons and magic and have nothing to do with poop, stimulation, sleeping cycles etc.

I now know that my approach is not like others and I am okay with that. I brush off the looks of judgement, worry, horror on people's faces when I answer a question about how we are approaching the arrival of our little one. In fact, I would prefer not to talk about how we will parent or what decision we will make about childcare. I end up having to politely smile and nod, and hopefully tune out, as people start giving me their opinions, which sound a lot more like facts if you ask me.

We are going to do this our way; you may judge, snicker behind my back as much as you like, think that we are nuts but at the end of the day every single is person is different and parenting comes down to finding what works for you, what makes you feel happy and mostly guilt-free as well as ensuring the needs of your child are met enabling you to tune in to your baby and give it as much love as you can. You are not wrong on how you choose to approach parenthood and neither am I.

And all of this is before I have even mentioned I am plan to give birth at home...then the eyebrows really rise....

<chuckle chuckle>