Being a mom has made me a better daughter

There is something unique about being a mom without a mom. There is a missing link, the circle doesn't close leaving me with a sense of loss. The sad part is, is that we both have lost out on what would have been an amazing understand and friendship.

Becoming a mother changes how you think about your own mother. Suddenly a lot of things come into perspective and you have a new found respect and understanding for your own mother. I once incurred the wrath of a few family members when I compared looking after my ailing mother to being her mother. I was given the proverbial knock over the head for daring to compare the two things and...as much as I loathe to admit being wrong I was wrong. It is no where the same. I wish my mom had gotten the chance to know me as a mom and I wish I had gotten the chance to stand  before her a mom myself.

I understand a lot more know, and I am still only beginning to understand, how difficult it is being a mom, especially to a strong willed stubborn daughter. Chloe might only be 4 months old but I see a lot of myself in her and i cant help but imagine my mom chuckling to herself about the justice of it all.

There are times when I long for her motherly touch so much. Sometimes I wish i could lie in her lap while she strokes my hair and just be her little girl again letting the weight of being a mother to my own daughter slip away.

How would being a mom change the relationship I had with my mother?

I would be more patient. This is a quality a sorely lack. I lacked it right until the end even though I knew I should be more patient, I just could not find it in me (something I will always regret).

I would be more affectionate. My mother was always looking for more affection than I was willing to give. I now understand how much she gave up to be a good mom to me and all she asked for were hugs and kisses in return.

I would give her the space to be her. I expected a lot of my mom because I wanted a lot for her. I guess what it came down to was that I wanted something different for her, so much so that I stop appreciating her for who she was.

I would be gentler with her. I am a tough cookie and I scare people sometimes. I was hard on my mom, aggressive even. She was so soft, it drove me nuts. I saw it as a weakness now I see the strength it took to stay soft and vulnerable in the face of all her hardship.

All in all I wish my mom was still here. Being a mom has made me a better daughter - the only problem is that my mom is not around to know that. But in my heart I think she does know now and is smiling as I finally grow up and let go of all my self righteous bullshit I carried around for so long. Being a mom has certainly cut me down to size and teaches me a thing or two about humility, patience, self-sacrifice, love... a couple times a day!

I love you mom. You were an amazing mother and a beautiful person and I sorely regret we did not get to know each other better.