I have recently read two studies recently that claimed to
unpack the recipes for a happy marriage. Being recently married I find articles
like this interesting since having a lifelong happy marriage is of paramount
importance to me. The latest one is aptly titled: The Science Behind a Happy Marriage. It was shared
on a colleagues facebook page with the following outtake: “Basically don’t have
kids if you want a happy marriage.” Now that stopped me, being parents of one
gorgeous 9 month old I couldn’t help but stop to examine this fact. Has having
a baby made us unhappier?
Since becoming parents we have noticed a distinct pattern in
how friends relate to us. There is a look of pity when we politely
decline yet another spontaneous braai invitation, or when we turn down that last
drink since we have to be up early in the morning. They give us that smile of condolences
as they tell us about the latest beach bar they attended as VIP’s. They sigh at
our insistence that we do indeed have to go because we want our baby girl to
fall asleep in her bed. They sit on their lofty child-free, admin-free,
restriction-free thrones and smile smugly that they have not been duped into
the “kid thing”. I know they firmly believe that having children will impede
upon their happiness.
Truthfully our lives have significantly changed since Chloe joined
us in this world. We don’t go out to
clubs, in fact we generally don’t socialise at night unless we go solo. We wake up early,
even on weekends. We evaluate restaurants by their kid friendliness. We are
bound by sleep schedules. We don’t travel too far since Chloe hates
long boring trips of sitting still. We are not as free as we used to be. And
yes, there are times when I just want to be hands-free, child-free and
responsibility-free. There are times where I don’t get to connect with my husband as
much as I would like to. There are times when my brain is so tired, my body is
worn and I long for silence. Instead of carefree conversations till two in the
morning we talk about our responsibilities, sleep patterns, feeding patterns
and poop patterns. We go to bed early because we have to be up early. So yes in
that respect we are unhappier.
But I can confidently say that our lives have been made
sweeter by Chloe. In every single way. We may
not be as happy and care-free as we used to be but our lives have been injected
with so much more meaning. We now feel an overwhelming sense of pride that makes our
eyes sting. We appreciate every moment ten times more than we ever did
before Chloe. We feel the weight of time and of life as we experience love on a
level that you just cannot experience before you have a child.
Instead of sharing drunken conversations in a crowded bar we
share the joy of a wave splashing over her tiny toes and that gorgeous giggle
escaping her lips. Instead of sharing a morning hungover, we share cuddles and
laughter in bed. Instead of sharing an overpriced steak at a restaurant we
share a home cooked meal eaten in the garden. Instead of wiling away the day
watching series, we languish in a park showing Chloe flowers and watching her delight in the simple act of watching a dog.
We spend less time on phones, and more time outside. We
spend less time watching TV and more time making memories. We spend less time drinking and more time laughing. We spend less time on the couch more time on the floor reading and playing.
We are constantly amazed and surprised by the amount of love and joy we can experience. We are far more conscious of
our actions, our emotions and our impact on this world. And this is far more
important and fulfilling than mere happiness.
So I can confidently say that having a child has made us
unhappier as a couple and in turn has given our lives far more meaning and provided a sense
of fulfillment that happiness will never live up to.
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| What unhappy looks like |
